Fight Like A Girl

When I was a child, the hardest thing I had to endure was the fact that my father was a ghost in my life. Absent. MIA. It haunted me most of my life until I got older and I accepted it and I found new things to replace that pain. After I reached adult hood, the hardest thing I had to endure was losing my first child to a miscarriage, something that I still struggle with up until I realized that the only reason why it bothers me is because I was unable to find closure. Closure that I fully intend on getting. But for every chapter that closes in the book of pain, another opens. Mine started around October and has been continuing on ever since. It started small, throbbing pains in the back of my head, and then the spams started with nausea and blinding pain. Then the mood swings and the confusion. Then the numbness and the tingling. 

There was something seriously wrong with me, but no emergency room visit I went too could tell me what was wrong. I felt helpless. I felt hopeless. The doctors bills were coming in and I wasn't making enough to pay them. My personal relationships were suffering because my insurance through work didn't cover my BiPolar medication, everything was going wrong. I was losing touch with reality and it was a fight just to make it through my ten hour shifts at work, but I had to do it. Everything and everyone relied on me. Everyone was counting on me. 

I put my personal health and my needs on the back burner for everyone else. I put myself second. I let everyone else go first. And then it happened. The first of two trips to the emergency room from the job site. I just went on break when the episode hit me. I could barely move. I was shaking so bad. I was so dizzy and I was so confused. I could barely speak. I knew something was wrong. I also knew that things couldn't continue like this. I couldn't continue like this, but could I stand up for myself? No. The answer was no. 

I kept pushing. I kept letting everyone else tell me what I needed to do. I kept letting everyone else rely on me and put their needs on me. The guy I was interested in put more stress on me with his little games and his kid stuff and I tolerated it because I was head over heels for him. It was a slow burn. The weight on my shoulders was immense and I just continue to let it build. I went through narcotics with drawls when I had to go off my BiPolar medicine and I was still enduring that. By the time December came, I was a mess. 

The mirror cracked the day after Christmas. You know the saying "go out quietly"? Yeah that was me. I had horrible thoughts in my head. I was desperate for a way out. I just wanted to die. I felt hopeless and alone and I just wanted to die. My life had fallen completely apart, I had no reason to keep up the facade, I just wanted out. I took a shower, made my peace and had my mind made up on how the deed would be done. 

Obviously, I'm still here. I ended up going to mental health for a three day stay. The food was horrible, but it was a stay I needed. I'm still working my way through things. I'm in therapy, I'm on new medication, it's going to be a long time before I'm at that half way point, but I'm fighting, because I found reasons to fight. 

That other medical condition? Yeah I still have it. I'm still working through that too. I have a herniated disc in my neck, arthritis, and spinal degeneration at the base of my neck, plus my neck curves in the wrong direction. I'm all sorts of messed up. I need to get in to see a neurologist sometime soon too. My life is a plethora of doctors appointments, therapy, and coping right now. The difference is that I've been a fighter my whole life and I'm going to keep on fighting. 

My life is about getting back to the basics right now, which that's probably what my next post is going to be about, getting back to the basics of me. Right now it's about fighting....fighting like a girl. 

It's a liberty walk....

or.... what one summer of hardship, a 27th birthday, and long look in the mirror taught me.


Well I'm back! I took the summer off from blogging because honestly, my mind was elsewhere. Mind you I got in touch with my inner columnist by beginning to see things in a different perspective and wanting to blog about them.


I took the summer to really just put things into perspective and finally have some conversations with myself. I'm happy to report that myself listened and we're on the same wave length now.




So what exactly is my liberty walk? My walking away from the world.




So what is MY liberty? Freedom from the world. The ways of the world, the expectations of the world, the wants, needs and desires of the world. To live as I believe, to worship as I wish. Freedom from archaic labels and sub cultures. 




When I made the decision to return to Christianity, I had no idea it would be so hard! I spent a majority of my life just doing what I wanted, when I wanted, with absolute abandonment of the right and wrong, the people in my lives, and sometimes, even my own well being. 




I had to make some absolute life changes and some have been harder then others. Like, I could quit the cursing easy. And things like smoking and drinking were a piece of cake to ditch. The hard exposition? Sexual Immorality. It's all around you! And this past year I've been faced with situation, after situation, of guys who just don't "get it" when I simply say that I'm not interested. I have a clear vision in my mind, with the help of the good book, of the type of man I want and need in my life, and sexual escapades is pretty far down on that list. I even had a friend remark to me, after I declared my abstinence promise to myself, that "how can you expect a guy to buy the car without taking it for a test drive". What!? Are you kidding me?!




Sorry pal, but I consider my body to be a pristine condition 67 mustang, and that's just something you don't need to test drive first, you just KNOW it's worth the investment. 




It isn't just the sexual immorality that I've taken my liberty freedom from. It's the toxic and poisonous people in my life. It's the internet addiction. The materialism. The abuse of the earth. I decided to embrace the things, that made me who I was. My uniqueness, my bad habits, my wide eyed perception of the world. I took all who I was, and all who I am, kept the good, worked on the bad, and combined it all. 




I lived a huge lie. A literal lie. I hated who I was, so I created some fabulous lie to mask the "lame" parts of me. This summer, I embraced those lame parts. Now I am still lame, but I love myself. Simple things like, bird watching, growing my own foods, watching my sun flowers sky rocket past the gutters, watching the animals in the back yard. Things like, spending time with my mother, making plans for my grant check, getting house projects ready for when the heat died down. Even something as small as enjoying cleaning out clutter. 




I traded numerous amounts of fantasy wrestling sites, for digital scrap booking, teaching myself photography, making plans with my dad for the shooting range. I traded too many repetitive face book games, for card games with my mom, or watching old westerns on T.V. I traded raunchy, explicit music, for something more meaningful, something more in tune with my new life. 




And you know what?




I don't miss any of it. If anything, alot of that stuff was a hinderance. The roleplaying became time consuming, the music was getting obnoxious, the face book games were getting stressful. I was consuming myself with, well, clutter! And it wasn't just the physical stuff. It was internal, mental and emotional clutter, that was making me miserable. I was holding on to a lot of hurt, anger, frustration. Things that went back years. From forgiveness I wish I could give, to forgiveness I wish I could get, to revenge I wish I could have or would have extracted, to irritability over situations that were beyond my human control. 




I realized, through this summer, and all my little personal discoveries, that I didn't really know who I was. Or what I wanted to be. I had lived this vicious, repetitive lie, for so long that I lost sight of, me. Simply put. So I made myself a challenge. To figure out who I am. What I like. Who "me" really is. And then be that woman. So far, I've found that by most peoples standards, I'm lame, boring, and a square, and ya know what? I'm okay with that. I have an old wise soul, and I love that about myself. I embrace that. 




Granted, being beyond my years, makes having conversations with those folks I knew online, difficult. I mean, I may be 27, but most other 27 year olds have no interest in what color I'm painting my living room, or what decor I decided for my bedroom. I blame this on an absence of female friends. And also that I already did that marriage thing. Where as most of the females in my life are doing the mom thing. I mean I did the mom thing, but my kid has angel wings, not cute dresses, or Head Start lol I have nothing to brag about. Can you see the big gap here? 




My solution though, is to start socializing more. To get out in the world, and make some local friends. I've sought out social clubs and organizations that I can join to get out in the world and get out of this funnel I created by using the internet to make friends.




P.S I still love you guys, but you can't come to my parties! ;)




I honestly feel like my decision to do a liberty walk away from the world, has lifted a huge weight off of my shoulders. Not just because I let go of all the bad things, but because I'm not afraid to say "yeah I'm a Christian, I believe in God, I believe in right and wrong, so what?". It isn't just my religion that I've come to terms with, it's the image in the mirror, but that's being saved for another post. Which should be sometime next week. Promise!




I think in everyones life, they have staged a liberty walk from something, or even someone. So I wanted to throw this out there to those of you who read this blog, what has been a liberty walk in your life? And how are you now that you have made it? I'm looking forward to at least a few replies!




xoxo

Let me show you the way out...

or....my brain works just fine thanks!

I've heard a lot of lame excuses in my day. Believe me. As a child and as a teenager, I just rolled my eyes and walked away, but in my adult years, I become fascinated with the vast array of B.S people throw my way to make their actions or words seem okay.

When it comes to relationships, I think I've heard, and seen, it all. The mamas boy, the one with the massive personality disorder, the habitual liar, the addict, the perverted one, the one with the low self esteem, the alcoholic, and the egotistical playboy. I've heard some great lines from the long line of losers I've come across in my life, most recently it has been, "I need to find myself". That was classic, but I digress.

Despite all the "choice" individuals, both friend and former beaus, that I have come across, I never find a shortage of that guy. You know that one. He drools over anything that walks, he finds solace in being the perverted individual. He objectifies every situation involving a woman that he possibly can. He even makes the innocent every day things a grotesque perverted mess. Nothing is sacred.

In my youth, I never really noticed, but being the wise and wiley age of 26 nigh 27, changes you perspective. As does divorce, death and rebirth. But age is far easier to explain. I find I am surrounded by these "great" catches and am...disgusted. Is this the best this world has to offer a girl? The one who looks at every girl who walks by? The one who can't look at the lingerie section of the sunday advertisement without getting slightly stiff?

I deserve better. I don't claim to speak for every woman as I know there are those women who are just as perverted and enjoy the delicate art of...perversion? I don't. Blame it on my grandmother, blame it on my private school education, blame it on the old movies I watch, my self respect even blame it on my religious beliefs, but I just can't accept that it is okay for a man, past the age of 18, to continue to womanize and objectify women.

I see a serious flaw in it! I mean, how is that supposed to look to me? "Gee, I bet I can change him." In my experience, men just don't change. Men are carnal creatures who rely and relish on basic needs and desires and are animals of habit. The only changing they usually do, is get worse. At least until a child is born or some serious life altering event happens.

Yes, I can easily steer clear of these...fine....men. Especially the ones whom I have known for awhile that seem to think it's okay to deem me a prude now that I don't believe in pre-martial sex and have no interest in sex what-so-ever since, "you used to be...". Used to be what? A tramp? So you're saying that if I devoid myself of all self respect and freely let men like you abuse my body, show me no respect what so ever, and then shove me aside when you find someone "better", then I'm acceptable? Is my self respect not sexy to you? I apologize. I was unaware that I had to abuse myself and destroy myself emotionally and mentally in order for you to find me appealing.

These are the same, "classy", guys who get irritated when after they tell me that "I don't get it" because "You're a woman" and that my "brain processes differently" ( you know, to make themselves sound semi intelligent ), to defend their constant arousal at faux lesbianism, hot 16-17 year olds ( IE Pedofilia, but thats a dirty word, so it's just "admiration" by most mens standards, even though they are still, in fact, under age of consent), and not to mention give two thumbs and a phallic member up for every side boob shot, booty short peep show and even down to five seconds of naked breast on late night premium channels. They get irritated when I tell them point blank that it's not that I don't "get it" because I do. Womanizing, objectifying, perversion are the same in any language and any sex.

These are the same guys that wonder why they are still single. Fascinatingly enough, they all have the same things going for them. Nothing. I don't say that to be catty, I'm just being honest. A lot of these guys are in the 25-30 range and they have zero to offer. Minimum wage jobs, no place of their own, some have no cars, some with no higher education.

I may not know my own sex that well, but I know a lot of women my age are looking "long term". Meanwhile most of these guys are looking for one night stands, free sex, or "fringe benefits". I know that no matter how independent and self reliant a woman is, when they are looking for a long term relationship ( at least the ones I know ), they are looking for a mate who has goals and aspirations, who is successful, in at least something. Who wants to better themselves. Someone with self respect. Someone who can be a provider, supportive and who isn't overly egotistical or self serving.

Or maybe my brain is just wonky? Is it just me? Am I wrong to assume that at my age, it becomes less about sleeping around, and more about a stable future? I am well aware of the age old addage that "men don't mature until 35-40" and I know even more men who buy into that crap. Maturity is a choice, not a chemical fixation. You either choose to better yourself, or you don't. You either choose to get your act together, or you don't. You either become your own man, or you don't. It's the same for both sexes.

At some point, you choose to grow up. That's my stance. These guys who look down on me because I'm not promiscuous or I don't give bits and pieces of myself away, the ones who tell me I'm not attractive enough because I don't show enough skin, or that I'm not "hot" because I'm not into perversions anymore, are clearly the same guys who chose not to grow up.

I will freely admit, I used to pass myself around a give myself away. You know how it always ended? With my heart broken and my confidence shattered. I was used, abused and got nothing for my "putting myself out there" but heartache and hating myself. I following the mainstream, turned away from what I truly believed, all the name of "love" and "cool" and I regret it. With the dissolution of my marriage vows, I made a choice that those days were over. I was done hating myself and I was sick of vying for the attention of men who were only interested if I got them off or I fawned all over them. If that's the way I have to act to get a man, I would much rather be single.

Or is my brain wonky?

You can blame it on hormones, science, whatever, that's your perogative, whatever you believe, is what you believe and I'm not here to change it, I just know how I feel about the not so fairer sex. I know how I feel about being objectified, and all the perversion that runs rampant throughout the world. I know how I feel about womanizers and those petty selfish men who rate women on scales and determined them for sex based on "only if I was drunk" "if I was on a drought" "maybe if I'm feeling giving" and "Id rock her world". I've been there. I know what it's like to hit that grading scale "I'd let her give me head but then I'd push her away".

But maybe, like I said. My brain isn't working properly? Personally, I think it's working just fine.

Forget about it....

.....I'm admittin' I was wrong And I'll just take what's mine And walk right out the door....


Or what three years of marriage, four failed online relationships and subsequently divorce taught me. 


Total disclosure. With out it, there is no room for trust, faith, or love. True love means laying all your cards on the table. I would rather love who you truly are, imperfections, baggage and past history and all, then love the person you want me to believe you are. We all have a past, we all have a history, there is no room in serious relationships, let alone any relationship for white lies and hidden truths. 


No matter how much you love a person, spending every waking moment with them is a bad idea. Constant contact ruins marriages. Talk to any couple who divorced after five or ten years and they will always say "I couldn't stand to look at them anymore.". They aren't lying. I don't care how much you love them, or even how well you get on, take a weekend to yourself. Set aside some alone time. You will regret it if you don't. 


That leads me to personal space. Honor it. We all have our limits and our niches. 


No means no. No doesn't mean "you don't love me" or "i hate you". No doesn't mean "i don't love you". No, simply means, no. No one should ever have to repeat that word on the same subject. This usually happens a lot in the sex department. Nobody knows our bodies better then ourselves and nobody knows our comfort zones better then ourselves. When the one you love says no. Just drop it. There is no room for bargaining, guilt trips, or anger. A percentage of love comes from mutual respect. Never forget that. 


Affection that is given only because it was cohersed, is not affection. It's patronizing. If I have to beg and plead, and grovel to get you to give me affections, tell me you love me or anything period, then it should be clear that your heart isn't in the relationship anymore and one of us needs to go. 


Communication. For the most part, you cant read each others minds. You need to set away some time, when you can be alone, to talk things out. If she starts crying, don't get huffy and act like she's being melodramatic. If he says something that hurts your feelings, talk it out. No relationship can survive with a brick wall inbetween. 


Romance works both ways. If he does for you, you should do for him and if you don't know what to do, ask. Because ten to one odds, if you don't know what you could do to be romantic for your partner, you don't know them very well. 


Online relationships are not a joke. The physicality may be non existent, but the feelings, the bond is real. It shouldn't matter how many miles you are apart, you treat that online or long distance relationship with care and respect. All the rules of a regular relationship still apply. 


No matter how angry you are when it comes to a divorce or a breakup, in the end, it isn't worth it. They're gone and they aren't coming back. No. Things will never be the same, no matter how good of friends you started out as. Relationships and marriage skewes things and perspectives. Your ex lover, no longer sees you in the same light as they did when you first met. You're now excess baggage and they will cut you out of their life for various vain reasons. As much as it hurts, you might as well do the same and not drive yourself crazy wishing that you could still be friends. 


Don't have sex the first time you meet face to face or early in the relationship. You will feel like crap when the honeymoon is over. Likewise, don't use sex and charm as a means to catch anyone. The novelty will wear off and then what do you have? Uneven ground. Sex is a gift, an experience that should be shared between two passionate people who are completely connected by the soul and heart. The more you give it away, the cheaper you are. If they can't wait until YOU are ready or until the relationship is solid, just walk away. Trust me. 


I don't care how old you are. Kids are not just "part of the package deal". Thats BS. Do not go into any relationship with the wide eyed ideal of happily ever after and a perfect family. Kids are something that comes after a strong long lasting relationship. Not because of a spare of the moment quickie or because "I think I'm ready". Because if you can't see yourself with your partner "for the rest of my life", then you need to take into consideration what those kids will go through when you and your short term lover split up. Just because you get along now, doesn't mean you will in a year...or nine months.


As much as it may pain you, you both have a family, and just as you want your partner to at least respect your family, they deserve the same. Unless there is a mutual agreement on the subject of "your mom hates me", suck it up, take it with a grain of salt and be as respectful as possible. On the flip side, if your family is really that wicked and mean, and your partner is constantly bombarded with insults and snide comments, you need to make a decision of whether you are going to stand up for your lover, or if you're going to side with your family. This isn't about choosing sides, consider this. If you were in a serious relationship and your beaus family was constantly putting you down and it was affecting you deeply, how would you feel if your partner simply said "but they're my family"? Personally, I would feel like they were agreeing with their family. Always think about how YOU would feel if you were in their shoes. 


Don't eyeball the opposite sex when you're out. It's just tacky. Unless you are both okay with mutual admiration, just stop. A relationship means your focus is soley on that person you agreed to be with. Porn shouldn't have a place in any relationship unless your partner is okay with it and don't just assume or just dictate that "its my right". Thats a cop out. Porn ruins relationships. Also, don't hold on to that old flame and mentally compare your new flame with the old one. Even if they never find out, it's just plain mean. You shouldn't want what you USED to have, you should be happy with what you DO have. 


These are just some of the many things I learned through a process of elimination and heartbreak. There are many many more. I've taken away a newfound respect for myself from all of it. Respect for what alot of women go through. I realized that my body, was mine. That I shouldn't have to give it away just because I'm afraid if I don't, I'm going to lose the person I'm with. I've learned that, I deserve to be treated with respect, adored, and treated fairly. My opinions, are not laughable or should be pushed aside as fodder. I'm a human being, I bled, cry, and hurt just like any other woman of substance. 


I've also learned that my beauty does not lie in the number on a scale. I am beautiful no matter what size I am. I shouldn't have to stress my weight and force myself to drop pounds just because there is that chance that the person I'm with might find someone more attractive. Beauty fades, real love, that's forever. If you can't see my beauty unless I'm a size small, then you don't deserve me because real beauty comes from who I am, my strength, my wit, my talent, my heart and soul. If you can't see that, then I am clearly wasting my time. 


I learned that it is okay to say no. That I'm not being unreasonable when I stand up for what I believe in, or I stick to my principals, just as I have learned that I should never have to trade my beliefs, my principals and my faith for love. I am all for compromise, just not when that compromise equates to me living a lie and being miserable. I should feel free to be who I am and then improve upon that fact. Not pretend to be someone I'm not just so you will love me.


I refuse to compete for affections. If there is someone out there thats better for you, or there is some flame you can't let go, then please, spare me the shame and just walk away. I won't be a fool for anyone. I understand that relationships end, I'm okay with that, just be honest. 


Sexual attraction, does not equal love, and no amount of sex acts will make someone love you. I learned that the hard way. Never again. I'm a human being, not a concubine. 


Needless to say, the next episode of my love life will be better planned and more thought out. Because the self abuse just isn't worth it anymore. 


"Maybe I can stand alone...maybe I'm strong as stone...."


XO

I tried to stick to the plan....

...but I had to get rid of the weight on my fourth finger, left hand.

It's funny how you don't realize and notice things. Everybody knows that this past year has been hard for me. It'll be a year in a day or two since my husband walked away from our marriage. Depending on who you talk too, I'm either bitter, pathetically longing for his return, or a survivor. You are free to believe whichever suits your purpose.

A lot of changes came as a result of the dissolution of my three year marriage. Most of them positive really. I sit here at this lap top, listening to Brandi's Who I Am, and I am smiling. Nothing particular has happened today that would warrant a smile. Sure my watermelons sprouted and my sunflowers are growing like crazy. My morning glories finally broke through. Nothing of substance really. So why am I so perky?

I can breathe again. The truth be told, when he walked away, I was hurt. Confused. Angry. Bitter. Maybe I should still be? That seems to be the stigma that everybody around me has.  But why? What purpose would it serve? What would I garner but headaches and a loss of sleep? What is there really to be angry about? The lies? Maybe. The deceptions? Maybe. There is a lot I could be bitter and angry about. But what good would it do? I've had a year to sit here and sort through the pieces, and despite it all, every little negative thing, the one thing it always comes down too, is we went in seperate directions.

We were two different people. In the end we were strangers that just happened to be married. When the bottom fell out, there was no passion left, no love, just animosity, stress and apathy. There truly was nothing left to save. How can I fault a man for wanting out of a dead end relationship? I mean, if I sat here and typed that I was totally blindsided, or that the thought of seperation never crossed my mind, I would be a bold faced liar. After all, nobody ever asked who initiated the seperation in the first place. It was me. Things were dissolving at a rapid pace and I was the one who suggested some time apart. While he was the one who made the decision to end the marriage, I was the one who put the offer on the table.

I knew when we drove away from the train station, it was over. There was no going back. One last kiss goodbye and when the morning came, I knew I had to start over. Yeah I tried, sure, to make it work, to work through the massive amount of issues, but eventually I realized, there was nothing left to save.

Through this year, it's been an uphill battle and it still isn't over. It probably won't be for a long while and I am okay with that. I found a strength in myself that I never knew I had. Where others would have laid down and died, I kept going. I'm a better woman for all of it now. All the years of people telling me I was strong and of sturdy stock, but I never gave it much thought, I didn't know what strength was. I know what it is now. I'm proud of myself. I am a woman of fierce courage, strong faith, and compassionate nature. I see myself in a new and refreshing light. I'm at peace.

This experience has made me who I am. Despite the hurt and the pain, I'm glad it happened. The circumstances could have been far worse. In the end, I'm ok. And I'm going to continue to be okay.

I wish him all the best in the world and hope he finds his place in this world.

I know I've found mine.

xo

To be what is is to be what you are...

...and baby all I'm missin is a black guitar....

Cause I'm a rock star.....

So whats been going on?


I guess for me is that whole "going on with my life" thing which is actually going pretty good. This is my final semester for my AAS in CRJ. I go back in the fall for my Human Services and will have 3 semesters of that. You have no idea how good it feels to realize that I did it. I made it to the wire.

Depending on how I manage with math, I'll probably start shopping around for my special treat for myself. Gonna get my photos taken for grad. I may or may not throw a party. If I do I'll let you local folks know!

I have to meet with career services probably in March or April for job placement. Been reading up on resume creation. I'm looking to get into Juvenile Justice.

I'm taking corrections, drug & alcohol, Speech and business math this semester. My math class doesn't start till the 4th.

Things have been going pretty good. I feel like I'm in a better place mentally and emotionally. I feel a sense of clarity. I've spent the past week cleaning out the past. Blogs, journals, memories of the past. I start working out again now that we have the downstairs finished for the most part. I've been taking time to spend some time alone with myself. To be honest I think the worst is past.

I found a new church to attend. I have to wait till we can fill the tank up, which should be soon, but once I do I'll start attending. Been looking into starting a non-profit pet food pantry as well. Got the idea from an article I read. I guess I've just felt empowered lately. I don't doubt myself as much anymore. I feel a sense of freedom and love now that I haven't felt in a long time.

I guess a lot of it has to do with working my way back to God. I was forced to take a step back from my life and see the bigger picture and I didn't like what I saw. I wasn't proud of myself. I didn't like who I was. I've been through a lot in the past few years and in the end, it really was all avoidable. The malice and the hurt was all pointless and preventable. It's still going on, but it isn't from me. I'm above it now.

Lately I've been talking to a friend who knew me when I was at my worst, and something he said got the wheels in my mind turning. He called me a prude. Mainly because I wasn't putting my sexuality and my body out there for free anymore. Because I was looking for something deeper then sex and basic needs. I guess it irritates him because when we first met, I was hell on wheels and now, I'm just not. Of course the underlying truth is that he's just angry because now I'm single and hard as he tries he can't weasle his way back into my life. Hey I call it as I see it.

But why? Why should I put everything out there? Why would I want to keep trying a method that has failed for me so many times? Am I wrong? Am I wrong to want to have a relationship based on deeper dimensions? Am I wrong to not want to settle for whatever is available? Am I wrong to not want to be with someone who has to rely on vulgarities and has a smart mouth? Who thinks they know it all? Don't I deserve to have terms for my next relationship? I think I do.

Sex is good, but it doesn't last forever, beauty is nice, but unlike inner beauty it fades. Personality is okay, but people change and then what do you have? When all that is gone, what basis do you have? None. I'm done with circumstancial love. I'm ready to graduate to something more meaningful.

I'm not saying my past relationships weren't meaningful. They were, but they were all based on the wrong reasons. It's why they failed. I hear a lot of that "you're letting one man dictate your future". Do you know how annoying that is? I'm not letting anybody dictate anything. Just because I don't want to be with you doesn't mean that I'm holding what somebody else did as a precedent. And that is about the time I realize that you don't know me at all and I need to distance myself from you. And quite honestly I've been doing that alot lately. Distancing myself from people who I feel are negative influences. Maybe it means I have nobody left to talk to online, but I'm okay with that because I have books to read, hobbies to persue, and crime shows to watch.

I have gotten a lot of "but nobody deserves to be alone" lines, but in all honesty, I'd rather be alone then to go through perpetual failed relationships. When you weigh being alone to the frustraition that comes from serial dating, I'll take a pint of ben & jerrys and an old movie thank you very much. Eventually, someone is going to come along and they are going to be the person that I need and that's all that matters. I'm leaving it in God's hands. I'd rather wait for years for that perfect one, then drive myself crazy with a bunch of mistakes.


Meanwhile, I'm gonna chase my dreams, build my career, persue my hobbies, and enjoy life as best I can. You get out of life, exactly what you put into it. I'm putting my heart and soul in. This time it counts.

Between Raising Hell And Amazing Grace

...or love by grace.

Over the past few months, a lot of things have come into perspective for me. The people I associate with, what's truly important, my personal problems, and the will to carry on.

I've never blamed anyone for my adult problems but myself. Even when I knew that there were outside influences. What did happen though, is that I couldn't find a legit reason for so many things going wrong.

Then someone came into my life that showed me that, when you defy God, when you turn away from his love and grace, most usually, things go sadly array.

I have always struggled with my relationship with God. I went through a period where I stopped believing and I basically ignored that he was around. I knew he was there, but I didn't need him. Or so I thought. My marriage was plagued with my constant battle against God. Being in his presence, it made me uncomfortable. I did my best to reject him. After all, acknowledging him and being a christian meant admitting my faults and accepting a lifestyle that was "boring".

Boy was I misguided.

Looking back, I now understand that God could never bless my marriage because I refused to let him in. I refused to let him be a part of my life, or my marriage. Now I'm waiting on a divorce and I've realized that, I might have been wrong about that whole not needing him thing.

My mother recently rededicated herself to Christ and I've watched from the shadows her relationship with God and I felt something stirring in my heart. I still feel it. God's trying to talk to me again. I could sit here and ignore it, but, at what cost?

I think what scares me the most about living the right life is the persecution, and the expectations. All my life I've had that stigma held over my head that you don't do this, this and this and if you do you are going to hell.

I'm human. I'm flawed. I believe that every day is a struggle and sometimes, we all fall from grace, but God is always there to accept us back into the flock when we admit our wrongs.

To the point. I think I want to give this right life a try because anything is better then the doldrums of sin. I've even noticed that, I can no longer condone, or support some of the things that I used to once do. I'm starving for a different kind of life. A new kind of love. A real life. A real love.

Maybe it's the burst of confidence that comes from shaking the shackles of oppression. Maybe it was the self realization that, I'm imperfectly perfect. For once in my life, I respect myself. For once in my life, I want real friends. The type of friends that I can rely on, that I have things in common with, that I can be proud of. The I wanna associate myself with people who are like minded, who love me, who care about me, who actually think about me once in awhile.

I've taken a long hard look at the people I used to talk to on a daily basis and realized, even when I wasn't alone, I was alone.

I copped out and went cheap all in the name of not being alone.

I've also realized that, stressing out about things of which I have no control over and cannot make a difference in, is not healthy. Why worry when I can pray right?

You have no idea the peace that flowed over me when I decided that, I wasn't going to be bitter about him leaving anymore. When I decided that, it was beyond my control and I left it all in Gods hands. I could breathe. I could honestly breathe.

I liked that feeling. So every time I feel overwhelmed. Every time I feel like I can't go on or I can't handle anymore. I just say a prayer and this peace flows over me. That's an awesome feeling folks. I'm not taking things for granted anymore either. Not life, not health, not anything, all is a gift from God and isn't to be wasted.

It's just amazing how one horrible, awful, life altering experience can humble and change a persons outlook on life.

So I've been making little changes here and there. Sticking with them and then gradually making more. I'm alot happier now and I expect to become a lot more happy.

I see rainbows folks. Rainbows.

I wanna undo it....

...or who's that fox in the mirror?

When was the last time you took a good look in the mirror? When was the last time you really truly looked at yourself naked?

Bet it's been awhile.

I've had a long, tiring battle with my body. Ever since I was little and rail thin I had body hate. I never saw myself as pretty. I didn't think I was a pretty pretty princess. As I got older, and the people around me got meaner, I started to accept their name calling and mean mentality as fact. I had no love for myself.

As I reached adulthood, I had no confidence. I considered myself ugly and sullen. I quit taking care of myself. I was frumpy and considered myself undesireable.

I never took the time to find out who I was, I never took the time to step back and look in the mirror. Then I reached my 20's and I was getting sick of always only being "cute". I wanted to be "beautiful", not "pretty", or "cute", BEAUTIFUL. I soon learned to read between the lines. Cute meant I wasn't good enough and pretty meant that they were desperate. I'm sorry but in my experience, it always turned out that way.

All my relationships were plagued because when they did compliment me. I didn't see it. I had no faith in myself. I had no self confidence.

Now here I am one marriage and four adult relationships later and where am I?

I wanna undo it.

I want the reset button hit so that's exactly what I'm gonna do. Reset the game.

At 26, there isn't a damn thing wrong with me. I love my body. I love every inch of fat, every curve, every inch of supple soft skin. I love the way my ass shakes and my boobs bounce. I love my thick thighs and my chubby cherub face.

I love my giggle and my infectious laugh. I love my bright eyes and my nose when it wrinkles. I love my curly dark hair and my crooked smile. I love my funky toes and my weird ears. I love me.

I love everything about me and nobody is gonna tell me any different.

I need someone that's gonna love my body as much as I do and I need friends in my life who love themselves, in a good way.

I'm done with the doom and gloom, I'm sick of the whine and mope. I need to clear the cobwebs off my make up and match up my wardrobe. I need to clean the clutter out of my life and I need to start being me. I need to get back to basics.

No more letting people put me down, no more settling for less. No more pity, no more favors, it's time to get real. I need a real love, real friends, a real life, because up until this summer, my life and myself were a real mess. I've been through hell, it's time for the rainbows and the happy bunnies. 






Now I only have myself to blame
For falling for your stupid games
I wish my life could be
The way it was before I saw your face

That boy is like a disease.....

or....The symphony of the 5 dollar canned air.

I must be getting old.

I remember when you could buy canned air for 3.00. Wal-marts now sells it for about 6 bucks. Dollar general for 5. I guess the industry figured that with all these stupid kids huffing it, that they'd do the same thing they did to cigarettes. Raise the price. Because just like with cigarettes, it doesn't matter what brand you huff, they all do the same thing. Kill you. But the name brands taste better.

Something else is telling me that I'm getting old.

I'm starting to have little to no patience for people who waste their lives. I remember when I first got the internet, I submerged myself in it. I was depressed, live in a town with nothing to do, was chasing after a guy who didn't wanna be with me, and then came the internet. Funny, I'm still chasing guys that don't wanna be with me.

I have never had a problem with long distance relationships. I never had a physical need. I can get myself off just fine thanks. I'm more of an emotional connection person.

My problem though is that I'm too nice of a person. And I always fall for these guys who are emotionally unavailable, bankrupt or there's a string attached. I always pick the real winners. You know the type. They're nice but they have more baggage then amtrak. Or they are obsessed with sex. Or they are emotionally apathetic. They womanize. They objectify. They have no purpose in life, no drive, they don't really do anything with their lives.

Maybe it's me being 26, maybe it was being married for 3 years, maybe it's this assanine childish divorce, but I just can't do it anymore. I don't even wanna be around these guys anymore. These are the same guys that give me slack when I don't return their obnoxious sexual advances or....I'm not online.

Hey man I spent a good portion of my life sucked into the internet. I need to breathe. I have a mother, my college, hobbies, interests, and a spinal condition which really means......when I am on the internet, I'm trying to relax. I'm all for fun and games, but my love, my time, and my attraction is too precious to just give away freely, so take a number, grow up and get in line.

At 26....I'm not looking for one night stands, and relationships with conditions. I'm tired of the juvenile games. I'm looking for something and someone real. I want someone with goals and ambitions. Someone with a sense of humor. Someone the deals in reality. I need someone who doesn't dwell on the past. I need someone honest and open. I need someone compassionate and loving. I need someone flirty, fun and dirty at times. I need someone with a mix of manners and personality. I'm not settling.

So the trend needs to stop. I need a best friend, not some fair weather freak show. I want unconditional....not puppet strings. I'm sick of wasting my time.

Just like I'm sick of paying 5.00 for canned air because when you compare bad relationships to canned air, no matter how you package it, paint it, price it, display it, or hype it....in the end. It's the same thing. Thin air.

Cheeseburger paradise.....

....or the sound of madness of a sleepless 2am.

My mind is working overdrive right now. My blood pressure was up a bit too high for my comfort zone, my shoulder hurt, my neck was throbbing and as per usual I convinced myself I was dying. Of course I'm not dying but this whole high blood pressure thing still has me spooked. So does this diabetic thing.

Some people would complain about diabetes or high blood pressure, whine about their impromptu diet change, exercise, medication and change of lifestyle pace, but for me, I guess, I knew it was coming.

I have been over weight since about 5th grade. I guess that was when my thyroid began to start malfunctioning. Never ate alot, wasn't big on fast food or junk food. Really wasn't a candy child. But back then, childhood obesity was hardly an afterthought. I ran, I jumped, I played, I biked and bladed. I was a cheerleader and played volley ball, the worst symptom I ever had was breathing problems, which I strongly suggest was a side effect of the asbestos removal from my elementary school in the 3rd grade. I was healthy. Curvy, but healthy.

My grandmother had been curvy most of her life too. I remember seeing older pictures of her. She was diagnosed with thyroid disorder as well. They put her on lithium and it fixed the problem. I guess I knew that I would be the one to get the diabetes. Granted mom will probably be the one who goes totally blind, but, maybe not. Maybe I will.

It's scary. When my eye doctor reccomended blood tests for sugar, I was scared. I think the first thought in my mind was that I was going to be blind. Then my mind drifted to my grandmother and how she suffered with diabetes because when she was diagnosed, we didn't have the medical breakthroughs that we do now. I remembered her losing her leg, and then her other, and then dying. I knew when they took her second leg, she wasn't going to be around much longer. Say what you will but, I know first hand what losing your human, god given freedoms and abilities can do to a person. She hung on as long as she could, but she had no future. Had she lived, she would have probably felt like a burden. Depressed. She would of had no will to live.

I know I feel like that sometimes. And then I feel worse because I know that there are those who have it far worse then I do.

The diet change has been hard. Everything you buy anymore is filled with preservatives, MSG, high sugar. It's not that I can't eat any of it, I choose not too. MSG is horrible. It's an awful horrible addictive flavoroid. I've made the switch to sea salt and that jewish salt, and I know what you say "salt is bad" but I've never been that big on salt as it is. It makes my mouth sore, but because of the strength of the sea salts and the kosher stuff, I use less. Less then I do now. All my meals have to me home cooked, which hey, I'm not complaining, but it sucks to no longer have the luxury of microwave dinner paradise. If I want soup, I have to make my own, because there is NO way I am paying what these corporate losers want for healthier versions of soup. I have to season my own meat. I had to substitute ground meat, which is usually the cheapest of packaged meats, for ground turkey, which in the long run is healthier, but my mom hates the stuff. Whole wheat and whole grain bread. Everything I eat has to be prepared differently.

I actually have to buy a griller for my chicken because I am getting so tired of baked chicken breasts. It's been hard. I guess in a way it is because this is the age of ultimate convienance and I no longer have that option of luxury.

But in the long run....I'm gonna be better for it. I'm losing weight in a natural and healthy way. I'm learning to cook which has been fun. I've learned to be health conscious when I eat out. I'm finally drinking water and have gotten away from soda. I mean, I took my mom out to eat today, we went to my fave mexican resturant, and finally, after such a long time, I could fit comfortably in the booth again. That felt amazing.

The diagnosis was hard to hear at first, but a lot of positive has come from it. It really woke me up.

Just like this divorce has woken me up to a lot of things. I know I have been hush hush about the split and I guess in a way, it was for my own protection. I just didn't want to deal with it. It was bad enough that I thought about it all the time. I also didn't want any hurt feelings or negative tags nailed onto me but, I'm not angry anymore.

I don't believe in divorce. I never have. I believe that, there is always a way to work things out but I'm also realistic and I realize that, nothing I say, nothing I do will change the outcome of this. I could spend the rest of my life wallowing in depression, blaming myself, asking myself why, and trying to get truthful answers that quite frankly, I'm at a point to where even if I heard the truth I probably wouldn't believe it anyways.

My heart is broken. I will not deny that. I hurt every day. I hurt because of the immature, backhanded way things were handled. I hurt because through all my faults and all my problems, nothing I have done has garnered the way I have been treated. I can deal with a relationship ending. What I cannot tolerate, and what hurts the most, is being lied too.

I may not be the most perfect example of mental health, but maybe, just maybe, if some consideration had been taken to be honest, to be real, I wouldn't feel so bitter at times.

I poured my heart out and I pined and I was made a fool of and there is not one damn thing anyone involved can possibly say to excuse or justify any actions taken in any of this.

In the end, it's for the best because I've realized, I'm not the same woman I was three years ago. I'm different now. With my unexpected but welcomed independence, I'm finding that, I finally have the will and the drive to do something with my life. I don't feel boxed in anymore. I don't feel sad.

I've gone through all the stages since May. Denial, depression, anger, bitterness, rage, sadness, defiance. I'm okay with it now. I'm not okay with the way things were handled, but, in due time, that too will pass because in the end, we're all human, and we're all entitled to be stupid at some point.

I've had so much time to think that, I really think I have learned from my mistakes. I had time to analyze every part of the situation and I see the mortal flaws, my mistakes, his mistakes, misconceptions. I now understand exactly what marriage is. I understand what being a mother is. A daughter. A sister. A lover.

I jumped in head first in the shallow end and almost drowned. I wasn't ready for marriage. Neither of us were. I married, not because I wanted too, but because I felt guilty and dirty because I was an unwed mother. I didn't want my child born out of wedlock. I could very easily blame it on my mental illness but I was just looking for justification. I wanted to right my wrongs. That was a silly reason to get married. In fact I have always felt like I manipulated the process and that I made him propose in the first place.

We were young, crazy, and in love.

I guess it's that reason why I can't be mad anymore. I'm not saying it was a mistake. I am saying that maybe, had we of waited, things would have turned out far better.

To be honest, I'm hoping that he flourishes. I'm hoping he truly makes something out of himself in this world. I know I want too. I know he taught me alot and he helped me figure out who I truly am and what I truly want out of life. His support and his encouragement has pushed me to better my life.

I mean I graduate this coming spring with my first associates. I'm going back next fall for my Human Services AAS. I don't spend as much time online anymore. I'm a better person due to all of this. I relied so heavily on him that I forgot who I was and I lost focus on alot of things.

I'm focused now.

I wanna be better. Do better.

All I hope is that one day, we can be on speaking terms again.

Just like I hope that one day, I won't need these pills.

Until then, all I can do is the best that I can. And lay off the cheeseburgers.

To: Crazy Obsessed E-Wrestlers

When I started e-w a few years ago, it was a magical world full of talent, friendships, some budding romances, and close knit groups. It was about friendly competition and earning the respect of your peers based on your manners, your ability and your general attitude. So I pose one simple question.

What the hell happened?

When did the friendly competition end? When did the egos over an internet hobby become so rampant and huge that rivalries and wars were waged and friendships torn apart because of petty jealousy and grudges. When did this stop being fun for some, and start being a way of life for so many? In my experience I have never found myself to be in a position where I would turn on my friends and slash my comrades out of the picture over an silly ficticious internet belt that is non-existant and is only means to a claim of admiration. I have never let a losing streak consume me to the point where I would deprive myself of sleep and sunlight just to beat "the one". Never have I found myself in a position where I let my blood pressure raise because of negative sentiments I recieved because I won. So I ask again, when did this become a way of life for some?

What do we really obtain when we alienate ourselves from everybody, wage grudges and belittle those who we envy, hate and sneer because of a hobby that to most, is little more then fan fiction, evolved and RPG stepped up? In my experience I have gained nothing of monotary value aside from a few good friends, a man whom I love, and an outlet for my agressions and my mental conceptions. The only things I have ever gained from this hobby is headaches from people who take it too seriously, I lost a few friends along the way because they fell into the vicious trap of caring too much, and I found myself along the way. Through e-wrestling I was able to find a means to chase my dreams, market myself and become an icon for people like me.

I never understood why people take this so seriously. I wish I could get inside their heads and find out what it is, what low self-esteem, what combatant of human nature, what, ill willed desire to be the best at everything, would drive a person to take something so minor, so seriously that it becomes a fraction of their life. The belts, aren't real, the matches, aren't real, the roleplays are renditions of our inner demons and personal flaws, our childhood fears and our personal endeavors, nobody really wins the matches that are written. Nobody really get's anywhere, sure a few become notorious in multiple e-w circles, I would like to think that I am notorious, but if I am not, I will not lose any sleep. There is no best, nobody will ever be the best. Somebody will always be better. Your best is only as good as the last card as there is always somebody watching you and wanting to be you so much that they pick apart the flaws in your perception and style and perfect them, only to surpass you.

I am not the best at what I do and I will not pretend I am. I have "won" many titles in my "career" in e-w, but it is all just smoke and mirrors, glitter and glam. The real reward is the respect you gain. I have the respect and admiration of so many because of the talents I have shared. I cannot fathom the attitudes of those who live by the creed of kill or be killed. Why have an ego over a hobby that rewards that which you take and that only. If your lifes only ambition is to dominate a fantasy hobby, then I pity you. If your only goal in doing e-w is to see how many people you can screw, how well you can play Vince McMahon and Triple H, then I pity you. If you apply more effort to your roleplays in an effort to win, then you do to socialize with those around you, then I pity you.

Please, keep your bitching to yourself. There are children starving in the world, terrorists at large, AIDs needs cured, the last thing we, the sane e-wrestlers of the world care about is your conspiracy theorys and your constant bitching about a hobby that is run and participated in by those who have lives off of the computer. The ice caps are melting, the gas is too high and taxes are going up, we, the sane e-wrestlers of the hobby, don't care that you lost or the one million reasons why you are better then your opponent. You lost. If it hurts that much, please go drink some bleach. Children are being abducted from Wal-Marts, serial killers are on the loose, there are innocent men on death row, we do not care how many belts you won in Fed A. This is fed B, if Fed A was so good, please, go back there, I am sure they missed you. Sharks are eating children, there are Rabbits sporting rabies, we are only a few mishandled scientific experiments away from a real Resident Evil, if you have offers from other feds and all you can do is bitch about the one you are in, please, show yourself the door. Nobody cares. We all get along, you seemingly don't and chances are, we don't want your negativity around anyways.

In closing.

It's just a game. Please. For all our sakes, get a real life.

Or a therapist.

Love,
The majority of those who are tired of your bitching.


P.S
Have a nice day! =)