Cheeseburger paradise.....

....or the sound of madness of a sleepless 2am.

My mind is working overdrive right now. My blood pressure was up a bit too high for my comfort zone, my shoulder hurt, my neck was throbbing and as per usual I convinced myself I was dying. Of course I'm not dying but this whole high blood pressure thing still has me spooked. So does this diabetic thing.

Some people would complain about diabetes or high blood pressure, whine about their impromptu diet change, exercise, medication and change of lifestyle pace, but for me, I guess, I knew it was coming.

I have been over weight since about 5th grade. I guess that was when my thyroid began to start malfunctioning. Never ate alot, wasn't big on fast food or junk food. Really wasn't a candy child. But back then, childhood obesity was hardly an afterthought. I ran, I jumped, I played, I biked and bladed. I was a cheerleader and played volley ball, the worst symptom I ever had was breathing problems, which I strongly suggest was a side effect of the asbestos removal from my elementary school in the 3rd grade. I was healthy. Curvy, but healthy.

My grandmother had been curvy most of her life too. I remember seeing older pictures of her. She was diagnosed with thyroid disorder as well. They put her on lithium and it fixed the problem. I guess I knew that I would be the one to get the diabetes. Granted mom will probably be the one who goes totally blind, but, maybe not. Maybe I will.

It's scary. When my eye doctor reccomended blood tests for sugar, I was scared. I think the first thought in my mind was that I was going to be blind. Then my mind drifted to my grandmother and how she suffered with diabetes because when she was diagnosed, we didn't have the medical breakthroughs that we do now. I remembered her losing her leg, and then her other, and then dying. I knew when they took her second leg, she wasn't going to be around much longer. Say what you will but, I know first hand what losing your human, god given freedoms and abilities can do to a person. She hung on as long as she could, but she had no future. Had she lived, she would have probably felt like a burden. Depressed. She would of had no will to live.

I know I feel like that sometimes. And then I feel worse because I know that there are those who have it far worse then I do.

The diet change has been hard. Everything you buy anymore is filled with preservatives, MSG, high sugar. It's not that I can't eat any of it, I choose not too. MSG is horrible. It's an awful horrible addictive flavoroid. I've made the switch to sea salt and that jewish salt, and I know what you say "salt is bad" but I've never been that big on salt as it is. It makes my mouth sore, but because of the strength of the sea salts and the kosher stuff, I use less. Less then I do now. All my meals have to me home cooked, which hey, I'm not complaining, but it sucks to no longer have the luxury of microwave dinner paradise. If I want soup, I have to make my own, because there is NO way I am paying what these corporate losers want for healthier versions of soup. I have to season my own meat. I had to substitute ground meat, which is usually the cheapest of packaged meats, for ground turkey, which in the long run is healthier, but my mom hates the stuff. Whole wheat and whole grain bread. Everything I eat has to be prepared differently.

I actually have to buy a griller for my chicken because I am getting so tired of baked chicken breasts. It's been hard. I guess in a way it is because this is the age of ultimate convienance and I no longer have that option of luxury.

But in the long run....I'm gonna be better for it. I'm losing weight in a natural and healthy way. I'm learning to cook which has been fun. I've learned to be health conscious when I eat out. I'm finally drinking water and have gotten away from soda. I mean, I took my mom out to eat today, we went to my fave mexican resturant, and finally, after such a long time, I could fit comfortably in the booth again. That felt amazing.

The diagnosis was hard to hear at first, but a lot of positive has come from it. It really woke me up.

Just like this divorce has woken me up to a lot of things. I know I have been hush hush about the split and I guess in a way, it was for my own protection. I just didn't want to deal with it. It was bad enough that I thought about it all the time. I also didn't want any hurt feelings or negative tags nailed onto me but, I'm not angry anymore.

I don't believe in divorce. I never have. I believe that, there is always a way to work things out but I'm also realistic and I realize that, nothing I say, nothing I do will change the outcome of this. I could spend the rest of my life wallowing in depression, blaming myself, asking myself why, and trying to get truthful answers that quite frankly, I'm at a point to where even if I heard the truth I probably wouldn't believe it anyways.

My heart is broken. I will not deny that. I hurt every day. I hurt because of the immature, backhanded way things were handled. I hurt because through all my faults and all my problems, nothing I have done has garnered the way I have been treated. I can deal with a relationship ending. What I cannot tolerate, and what hurts the most, is being lied too.

I may not be the most perfect example of mental health, but maybe, just maybe, if some consideration had been taken to be honest, to be real, I wouldn't feel so bitter at times.

I poured my heart out and I pined and I was made a fool of and there is not one damn thing anyone involved can possibly say to excuse or justify any actions taken in any of this.

In the end, it's for the best because I've realized, I'm not the same woman I was three years ago. I'm different now. With my unexpected but welcomed independence, I'm finding that, I finally have the will and the drive to do something with my life. I don't feel boxed in anymore. I don't feel sad.

I've gone through all the stages since May. Denial, depression, anger, bitterness, rage, sadness, defiance. I'm okay with it now. I'm not okay with the way things were handled, but, in due time, that too will pass because in the end, we're all human, and we're all entitled to be stupid at some point.

I've had so much time to think that, I really think I have learned from my mistakes. I had time to analyze every part of the situation and I see the mortal flaws, my mistakes, his mistakes, misconceptions. I now understand exactly what marriage is. I understand what being a mother is. A daughter. A sister. A lover.

I jumped in head first in the shallow end and almost drowned. I wasn't ready for marriage. Neither of us were. I married, not because I wanted too, but because I felt guilty and dirty because I was an unwed mother. I didn't want my child born out of wedlock. I could very easily blame it on my mental illness but I was just looking for justification. I wanted to right my wrongs. That was a silly reason to get married. In fact I have always felt like I manipulated the process and that I made him propose in the first place.

We were young, crazy, and in love.

I guess it's that reason why I can't be mad anymore. I'm not saying it was a mistake. I am saying that maybe, had we of waited, things would have turned out far better.

To be honest, I'm hoping that he flourishes. I'm hoping he truly makes something out of himself in this world. I know I want too. I know he taught me alot and he helped me figure out who I truly am and what I truly want out of life. His support and his encouragement has pushed me to better my life.

I mean I graduate this coming spring with my first associates. I'm going back next fall for my Human Services AAS. I don't spend as much time online anymore. I'm a better person due to all of this. I relied so heavily on him that I forgot who I was and I lost focus on alot of things.

I'm focused now.

I wanna be better. Do better.

All I hope is that one day, we can be on speaking terms again.

Just like I hope that one day, I won't need these pills.

Until then, all I can do is the best that I can. And lay off the cheeseburgers.