Between Raising Hell And Amazing Grace

...or love by grace.

Over the past few months, a lot of things have come into perspective for me. The people I associate with, what's truly important, my personal problems, and the will to carry on.

I've never blamed anyone for my adult problems but myself. Even when I knew that there were outside influences. What did happen though, is that I couldn't find a legit reason for so many things going wrong.

Then someone came into my life that showed me that, when you defy God, when you turn away from his love and grace, most usually, things go sadly array.

I have always struggled with my relationship with God. I went through a period where I stopped believing and I basically ignored that he was around. I knew he was there, but I didn't need him. Or so I thought. My marriage was plagued with my constant battle against God. Being in his presence, it made me uncomfortable. I did my best to reject him. After all, acknowledging him and being a christian meant admitting my faults and accepting a lifestyle that was "boring".

Boy was I misguided.

Looking back, I now understand that God could never bless my marriage because I refused to let him in. I refused to let him be a part of my life, or my marriage. Now I'm waiting on a divorce and I've realized that, I might have been wrong about that whole not needing him thing.

My mother recently rededicated herself to Christ and I've watched from the shadows her relationship with God and I felt something stirring in my heart. I still feel it. God's trying to talk to me again. I could sit here and ignore it, but, at what cost?

I think what scares me the most about living the right life is the persecution, and the expectations. All my life I've had that stigma held over my head that you don't do this, this and this and if you do you are going to hell.

I'm human. I'm flawed. I believe that every day is a struggle and sometimes, we all fall from grace, but God is always there to accept us back into the flock when we admit our wrongs.

To the point. I think I want to give this right life a try because anything is better then the doldrums of sin. I've even noticed that, I can no longer condone, or support some of the things that I used to once do. I'm starving for a different kind of life. A new kind of love. A real life. A real love.

Maybe it's the burst of confidence that comes from shaking the shackles of oppression. Maybe it was the self realization that, I'm imperfectly perfect. For once in my life, I respect myself. For once in my life, I want real friends. The type of friends that I can rely on, that I have things in common with, that I can be proud of. The I wanna associate myself with people who are like minded, who love me, who care about me, who actually think about me once in awhile.

I've taken a long hard look at the people I used to talk to on a daily basis and realized, even when I wasn't alone, I was alone.

I copped out and went cheap all in the name of not being alone.

I've also realized that, stressing out about things of which I have no control over and cannot make a difference in, is not healthy. Why worry when I can pray right?

You have no idea the peace that flowed over me when I decided that, I wasn't going to be bitter about him leaving anymore. When I decided that, it was beyond my control and I left it all in Gods hands. I could breathe. I could honestly breathe.

I liked that feeling. So every time I feel overwhelmed. Every time I feel like I can't go on or I can't handle anymore. I just say a prayer and this peace flows over me. That's an awesome feeling folks. I'm not taking things for granted anymore either. Not life, not health, not anything, all is a gift from God and isn't to be wasted.

It's just amazing how one horrible, awful, life altering experience can humble and change a persons outlook on life.

So I've been making little changes here and there. Sticking with them and then gradually making more. I'm alot happier now and I expect to become a lot more happy.

I see rainbows folks. Rainbows.