Forget about it....

.....I'm admittin' I was wrong And I'll just take what's mine And walk right out the door....


Or what three years of marriage, four failed online relationships and subsequently divorce taught me. 


Total disclosure. With out it, there is no room for trust, faith, or love. True love means laying all your cards on the table. I would rather love who you truly are, imperfections, baggage and past history and all, then love the person you want me to believe you are. We all have a past, we all have a history, there is no room in serious relationships, let alone any relationship for white lies and hidden truths. 


No matter how much you love a person, spending every waking moment with them is a bad idea. Constant contact ruins marriages. Talk to any couple who divorced after five or ten years and they will always say "I couldn't stand to look at them anymore.". They aren't lying. I don't care how much you love them, or even how well you get on, take a weekend to yourself. Set aside some alone time. You will regret it if you don't. 


That leads me to personal space. Honor it. We all have our limits and our niches. 


No means no. No doesn't mean "you don't love me" or "i hate you". No doesn't mean "i don't love you". No, simply means, no. No one should ever have to repeat that word on the same subject. This usually happens a lot in the sex department. Nobody knows our bodies better then ourselves and nobody knows our comfort zones better then ourselves. When the one you love says no. Just drop it. There is no room for bargaining, guilt trips, or anger. A percentage of love comes from mutual respect. Never forget that. 


Affection that is given only because it was cohersed, is not affection. It's patronizing. If I have to beg and plead, and grovel to get you to give me affections, tell me you love me or anything period, then it should be clear that your heart isn't in the relationship anymore and one of us needs to go. 


Communication. For the most part, you cant read each others minds. You need to set away some time, when you can be alone, to talk things out. If she starts crying, don't get huffy and act like she's being melodramatic. If he says something that hurts your feelings, talk it out. No relationship can survive with a brick wall inbetween. 


Romance works both ways. If he does for you, you should do for him and if you don't know what to do, ask. Because ten to one odds, if you don't know what you could do to be romantic for your partner, you don't know them very well. 


Online relationships are not a joke. The physicality may be non existent, but the feelings, the bond is real. It shouldn't matter how many miles you are apart, you treat that online or long distance relationship with care and respect. All the rules of a regular relationship still apply. 


No matter how angry you are when it comes to a divorce or a breakup, in the end, it isn't worth it. They're gone and they aren't coming back. No. Things will never be the same, no matter how good of friends you started out as. Relationships and marriage skewes things and perspectives. Your ex lover, no longer sees you in the same light as they did when you first met. You're now excess baggage and they will cut you out of their life for various vain reasons. As much as it hurts, you might as well do the same and not drive yourself crazy wishing that you could still be friends. 


Don't have sex the first time you meet face to face or early in the relationship. You will feel like crap when the honeymoon is over. Likewise, don't use sex and charm as a means to catch anyone. The novelty will wear off and then what do you have? Uneven ground. Sex is a gift, an experience that should be shared between two passionate people who are completely connected by the soul and heart. The more you give it away, the cheaper you are. If they can't wait until YOU are ready or until the relationship is solid, just walk away. Trust me. 


I don't care how old you are. Kids are not just "part of the package deal". Thats BS. Do not go into any relationship with the wide eyed ideal of happily ever after and a perfect family. Kids are something that comes after a strong long lasting relationship. Not because of a spare of the moment quickie or because "I think I'm ready". Because if you can't see yourself with your partner "for the rest of my life", then you need to take into consideration what those kids will go through when you and your short term lover split up. Just because you get along now, doesn't mean you will in a year...or nine months.


As much as it may pain you, you both have a family, and just as you want your partner to at least respect your family, they deserve the same. Unless there is a mutual agreement on the subject of "your mom hates me", suck it up, take it with a grain of salt and be as respectful as possible. On the flip side, if your family is really that wicked and mean, and your partner is constantly bombarded with insults and snide comments, you need to make a decision of whether you are going to stand up for your lover, or if you're going to side with your family. This isn't about choosing sides, consider this. If you were in a serious relationship and your beaus family was constantly putting you down and it was affecting you deeply, how would you feel if your partner simply said "but they're my family"? Personally, I would feel like they were agreeing with their family. Always think about how YOU would feel if you were in their shoes. 


Don't eyeball the opposite sex when you're out. It's just tacky. Unless you are both okay with mutual admiration, just stop. A relationship means your focus is soley on that person you agreed to be with. Porn shouldn't have a place in any relationship unless your partner is okay with it and don't just assume or just dictate that "its my right". Thats a cop out. Porn ruins relationships. Also, don't hold on to that old flame and mentally compare your new flame with the old one. Even if they never find out, it's just plain mean. You shouldn't want what you USED to have, you should be happy with what you DO have. 


These are just some of the many things I learned through a process of elimination and heartbreak. There are many many more. I've taken away a newfound respect for myself from all of it. Respect for what alot of women go through. I realized that my body, was mine. That I shouldn't have to give it away just because I'm afraid if I don't, I'm going to lose the person I'm with. I've learned that, I deserve to be treated with respect, adored, and treated fairly. My opinions, are not laughable or should be pushed aside as fodder. I'm a human being, I bled, cry, and hurt just like any other woman of substance. 


I've also learned that my beauty does not lie in the number on a scale. I am beautiful no matter what size I am. I shouldn't have to stress my weight and force myself to drop pounds just because there is that chance that the person I'm with might find someone more attractive. Beauty fades, real love, that's forever. If you can't see my beauty unless I'm a size small, then you don't deserve me because real beauty comes from who I am, my strength, my wit, my talent, my heart and soul. If you can't see that, then I am clearly wasting my time. 


I learned that it is okay to say no. That I'm not being unreasonable when I stand up for what I believe in, or I stick to my principals, just as I have learned that I should never have to trade my beliefs, my principals and my faith for love. I am all for compromise, just not when that compromise equates to me living a lie and being miserable. I should feel free to be who I am and then improve upon that fact. Not pretend to be someone I'm not just so you will love me.


I refuse to compete for affections. If there is someone out there thats better for you, or there is some flame you can't let go, then please, spare me the shame and just walk away. I won't be a fool for anyone. I understand that relationships end, I'm okay with that, just be honest. 


Sexual attraction, does not equal love, and no amount of sex acts will make someone love you. I learned that the hard way. Never again. I'm a human being, not a concubine. 


Needless to say, the next episode of my love life will be better planned and more thought out. Because the self abuse just isn't worth it anymore. 


"Maybe I can stand alone...maybe I'm strong as stone...."


XO