Between Raising Hell And Amazing Grace

...or love by grace.

Over the past few months, a lot of things have come into perspective for me. The people I associate with, what's truly important, my personal problems, and the will to carry on.

I've never blamed anyone for my adult problems but myself. Even when I knew that there were outside influences. What did happen though, is that I couldn't find a legit reason for so many things going wrong.

Then someone came into my life that showed me that, when you defy God, when you turn away from his love and grace, most usually, things go sadly array.

I have always struggled with my relationship with God. I went through a period where I stopped believing and I basically ignored that he was around. I knew he was there, but I didn't need him. Or so I thought. My marriage was plagued with my constant battle against God. Being in his presence, it made me uncomfortable. I did my best to reject him. After all, acknowledging him and being a christian meant admitting my faults and accepting a lifestyle that was "boring".

Boy was I misguided.

Looking back, I now understand that God could never bless my marriage because I refused to let him in. I refused to let him be a part of my life, or my marriage. Now I'm waiting on a divorce and I've realized that, I might have been wrong about that whole not needing him thing.

My mother recently rededicated herself to Christ and I've watched from the shadows her relationship with God and I felt something stirring in my heart. I still feel it. God's trying to talk to me again. I could sit here and ignore it, but, at what cost?

I think what scares me the most about living the right life is the persecution, and the expectations. All my life I've had that stigma held over my head that you don't do this, this and this and if you do you are going to hell.

I'm human. I'm flawed. I believe that every day is a struggle and sometimes, we all fall from grace, but God is always there to accept us back into the flock when we admit our wrongs.

To the point. I think I want to give this right life a try because anything is better then the doldrums of sin. I've even noticed that, I can no longer condone, or support some of the things that I used to once do. I'm starving for a different kind of life. A new kind of love. A real life. A real love.

Maybe it's the burst of confidence that comes from shaking the shackles of oppression. Maybe it was the self realization that, I'm imperfectly perfect. For once in my life, I respect myself. For once in my life, I want real friends. The type of friends that I can rely on, that I have things in common with, that I can be proud of. The I wanna associate myself with people who are like minded, who love me, who care about me, who actually think about me once in awhile.

I've taken a long hard look at the people I used to talk to on a daily basis and realized, even when I wasn't alone, I was alone.

I copped out and went cheap all in the name of not being alone.

I've also realized that, stressing out about things of which I have no control over and cannot make a difference in, is not healthy. Why worry when I can pray right?

You have no idea the peace that flowed over me when I decided that, I wasn't going to be bitter about him leaving anymore. When I decided that, it was beyond my control and I left it all in Gods hands. I could breathe. I could honestly breathe.

I liked that feeling. So every time I feel overwhelmed. Every time I feel like I can't go on or I can't handle anymore. I just say a prayer and this peace flows over me. That's an awesome feeling folks. I'm not taking things for granted anymore either. Not life, not health, not anything, all is a gift from God and isn't to be wasted.

It's just amazing how one horrible, awful, life altering experience can humble and change a persons outlook on life.

So I've been making little changes here and there. Sticking with them and then gradually making more. I'm alot happier now and I expect to become a lot more happy.

I see rainbows folks. Rainbows.

I wanna undo it....

...or who's that fox in the mirror?

When was the last time you took a good look in the mirror? When was the last time you really truly looked at yourself naked?

Bet it's been awhile.

I've had a long, tiring battle with my body. Ever since I was little and rail thin I had body hate. I never saw myself as pretty. I didn't think I was a pretty pretty princess. As I got older, and the people around me got meaner, I started to accept their name calling and mean mentality as fact. I had no love for myself.

As I reached adulthood, I had no confidence. I considered myself ugly and sullen. I quit taking care of myself. I was frumpy and considered myself undesireable.

I never took the time to find out who I was, I never took the time to step back and look in the mirror. Then I reached my 20's and I was getting sick of always only being "cute". I wanted to be "beautiful", not "pretty", or "cute", BEAUTIFUL. I soon learned to read between the lines. Cute meant I wasn't good enough and pretty meant that they were desperate. I'm sorry but in my experience, it always turned out that way.

All my relationships were plagued because when they did compliment me. I didn't see it. I had no faith in myself. I had no self confidence.

Now here I am one marriage and four adult relationships later and where am I?

I wanna undo it.

I want the reset button hit so that's exactly what I'm gonna do. Reset the game.

At 26, there isn't a damn thing wrong with me. I love my body. I love every inch of fat, every curve, every inch of supple soft skin. I love the way my ass shakes and my boobs bounce. I love my thick thighs and my chubby cherub face.

I love my giggle and my infectious laugh. I love my bright eyes and my nose when it wrinkles. I love my curly dark hair and my crooked smile. I love my funky toes and my weird ears. I love me.

I love everything about me and nobody is gonna tell me any different.

I need someone that's gonna love my body as much as I do and I need friends in my life who love themselves, in a good way.

I'm done with the doom and gloom, I'm sick of the whine and mope. I need to clear the cobwebs off my make up and match up my wardrobe. I need to clean the clutter out of my life and I need to start being me. I need to get back to basics.

No more letting people put me down, no more settling for less. No more pity, no more favors, it's time to get real. I need a real love, real friends, a real life, because up until this summer, my life and myself were a real mess. I've been through hell, it's time for the rainbows and the happy bunnies. 






Now I only have myself to blame
For falling for your stupid games
I wish my life could be
The way it was before I saw your face

That boy is like a disease.....

or....The symphony of the 5 dollar canned air.

I must be getting old.

I remember when you could buy canned air for 3.00. Wal-marts now sells it for about 6 bucks. Dollar general for 5. I guess the industry figured that with all these stupid kids huffing it, that they'd do the same thing they did to cigarettes. Raise the price. Because just like with cigarettes, it doesn't matter what brand you huff, they all do the same thing. Kill you. But the name brands taste better.

Something else is telling me that I'm getting old.

I'm starting to have little to no patience for people who waste their lives. I remember when I first got the internet, I submerged myself in it. I was depressed, live in a town with nothing to do, was chasing after a guy who didn't wanna be with me, and then came the internet. Funny, I'm still chasing guys that don't wanna be with me.

I have never had a problem with long distance relationships. I never had a physical need. I can get myself off just fine thanks. I'm more of an emotional connection person.

My problem though is that I'm too nice of a person. And I always fall for these guys who are emotionally unavailable, bankrupt or there's a string attached. I always pick the real winners. You know the type. They're nice but they have more baggage then amtrak. Or they are obsessed with sex. Or they are emotionally apathetic. They womanize. They objectify. They have no purpose in life, no drive, they don't really do anything with their lives.

Maybe it's me being 26, maybe it was being married for 3 years, maybe it's this assanine childish divorce, but I just can't do it anymore. I don't even wanna be around these guys anymore. These are the same guys that give me slack when I don't return their obnoxious sexual advances or....I'm not online.

Hey man I spent a good portion of my life sucked into the internet. I need to breathe. I have a mother, my college, hobbies, interests, and a spinal condition which really means......when I am on the internet, I'm trying to relax. I'm all for fun and games, but my love, my time, and my attraction is too precious to just give away freely, so take a number, grow up and get in line.

At 26....I'm not looking for one night stands, and relationships with conditions. I'm tired of the juvenile games. I'm looking for something and someone real. I want someone with goals and ambitions. Someone with a sense of humor. Someone the deals in reality. I need someone who doesn't dwell on the past. I need someone honest and open. I need someone compassionate and loving. I need someone flirty, fun and dirty at times. I need someone with a mix of manners and personality. I'm not settling.

So the trend needs to stop. I need a best friend, not some fair weather freak show. I want unconditional....not puppet strings. I'm sick of wasting my time.

Just like I'm sick of paying 5.00 for canned air because when you compare bad relationships to canned air, no matter how you package it, paint it, price it, display it, or hype it....in the end. It's the same thing. Thin air.

Cheeseburger paradise.....

....or the sound of madness of a sleepless 2am.

My mind is working overdrive right now. My blood pressure was up a bit too high for my comfort zone, my shoulder hurt, my neck was throbbing and as per usual I convinced myself I was dying. Of course I'm not dying but this whole high blood pressure thing still has me spooked. So does this diabetic thing.

Some people would complain about diabetes or high blood pressure, whine about their impromptu diet change, exercise, medication and change of lifestyle pace, but for me, I guess, I knew it was coming.

I have been over weight since about 5th grade. I guess that was when my thyroid began to start malfunctioning. Never ate alot, wasn't big on fast food or junk food. Really wasn't a candy child. But back then, childhood obesity was hardly an afterthought. I ran, I jumped, I played, I biked and bladed. I was a cheerleader and played volley ball, the worst symptom I ever had was breathing problems, which I strongly suggest was a side effect of the asbestos removal from my elementary school in the 3rd grade. I was healthy. Curvy, but healthy.

My grandmother had been curvy most of her life too. I remember seeing older pictures of her. She was diagnosed with thyroid disorder as well. They put her on lithium and it fixed the problem. I guess I knew that I would be the one to get the diabetes. Granted mom will probably be the one who goes totally blind, but, maybe not. Maybe I will.

It's scary. When my eye doctor reccomended blood tests for sugar, I was scared. I think the first thought in my mind was that I was going to be blind. Then my mind drifted to my grandmother and how she suffered with diabetes because when she was diagnosed, we didn't have the medical breakthroughs that we do now. I remembered her losing her leg, and then her other, and then dying. I knew when they took her second leg, she wasn't going to be around much longer. Say what you will but, I know first hand what losing your human, god given freedoms and abilities can do to a person. She hung on as long as she could, but she had no future. Had she lived, she would have probably felt like a burden. Depressed. She would of had no will to live.

I know I feel like that sometimes. And then I feel worse because I know that there are those who have it far worse then I do.

The diet change has been hard. Everything you buy anymore is filled with preservatives, MSG, high sugar. It's not that I can't eat any of it, I choose not too. MSG is horrible. It's an awful horrible addictive flavoroid. I've made the switch to sea salt and that jewish salt, and I know what you say "salt is bad" but I've never been that big on salt as it is. It makes my mouth sore, but because of the strength of the sea salts and the kosher stuff, I use less. Less then I do now. All my meals have to me home cooked, which hey, I'm not complaining, but it sucks to no longer have the luxury of microwave dinner paradise. If I want soup, I have to make my own, because there is NO way I am paying what these corporate losers want for healthier versions of soup. I have to season my own meat. I had to substitute ground meat, which is usually the cheapest of packaged meats, for ground turkey, which in the long run is healthier, but my mom hates the stuff. Whole wheat and whole grain bread. Everything I eat has to be prepared differently.

I actually have to buy a griller for my chicken because I am getting so tired of baked chicken breasts. It's been hard. I guess in a way it is because this is the age of ultimate convienance and I no longer have that option of luxury.

But in the long run....I'm gonna be better for it. I'm losing weight in a natural and healthy way. I'm learning to cook which has been fun. I've learned to be health conscious when I eat out. I'm finally drinking water and have gotten away from soda. I mean, I took my mom out to eat today, we went to my fave mexican resturant, and finally, after such a long time, I could fit comfortably in the booth again. That felt amazing.

The diagnosis was hard to hear at first, but a lot of positive has come from it. It really woke me up.

Just like this divorce has woken me up to a lot of things. I know I have been hush hush about the split and I guess in a way, it was for my own protection. I just didn't want to deal with it. It was bad enough that I thought about it all the time. I also didn't want any hurt feelings or negative tags nailed onto me but, I'm not angry anymore.

I don't believe in divorce. I never have. I believe that, there is always a way to work things out but I'm also realistic and I realize that, nothing I say, nothing I do will change the outcome of this. I could spend the rest of my life wallowing in depression, blaming myself, asking myself why, and trying to get truthful answers that quite frankly, I'm at a point to where even if I heard the truth I probably wouldn't believe it anyways.

My heart is broken. I will not deny that. I hurt every day. I hurt because of the immature, backhanded way things were handled. I hurt because through all my faults and all my problems, nothing I have done has garnered the way I have been treated. I can deal with a relationship ending. What I cannot tolerate, and what hurts the most, is being lied too.

I may not be the most perfect example of mental health, but maybe, just maybe, if some consideration had been taken to be honest, to be real, I wouldn't feel so bitter at times.

I poured my heart out and I pined and I was made a fool of and there is not one damn thing anyone involved can possibly say to excuse or justify any actions taken in any of this.

In the end, it's for the best because I've realized, I'm not the same woman I was three years ago. I'm different now. With my unexpected but welcomed independence, I'm finding that, I finally have the will and the drive to do something with my life. I don't feel boxed in anymore. I don't feel sad.

I've gone through all the stages since May. Denial, depression, anger, bitterness, rage, sadness, defiance. I'm okay with it now. I'm not okay with the way things were handled, but, in due time, that too will pass because in the end, we're all human, and we're all entitled to be stupid at some point.

I've had so much time to think that, I really think I have learned from my mistakes. I had time to analyze every part of the situation and I see the mortal flaws, my mistakes, his mistakes, misconceptions. I now understand exactly what marriage is. I understand what being a mother is. A daughter. A sister. A lover.

I jumped in head first in the shallow end and almost drowned. I wasn't ready for marriage. Neither of us were. I married, not because I wanted too, but because I felt guilty and dirty because I was an unwed mother. I didn't want my child born out of wedlock. I could very easily blame it on my mental illness but I was just looking for justification. I wanted to right my wrongs. That was a silly reason to get married. In fact I have always felt like I manipulated the process and that I made him propose in the first place.

We were young, crazy, and in love.

I guess it's that reason why I can't be mad anymore. I'm not saying it was a mistake. I am saying that maybe, had we of waited, things would have turned out far better.

To be honest, I'm hoping that he flourishes. I'm hoping he truly makes something out of himself in this world. I know I want too. I know he taught me alot and he helped me figure out who I truly am and what I truly want out of life. His support and his encouragement has pushed me to better my life.

I mean I graduate this coming spring with my first associates. I'm going back next fall for my Human Services AAS. I don't spend as much time online anymore. I'm a better person due to all of this. I relied so heavily on him that I forgot who I was and I lost focus on alot of things.

I'm focused now.

I wanna be better. Do better.

All I hope is that one day, we can be on speaking terms again.

Just like I hope that one day, I won't need these pills.

Until then, all I can do is the best that I can. And lay off the cheeseburgers.