I wanna undo it....

...or who's that fox in the mirror?

When was the last time you took a good look in the mirror? When was the last time you really truly looked at yourself naked?

Bet it's been awhile.

I've had a long, tiring battle with my body. Ever since I was little and rail thin I had body hate. I never saw myself as pretty. I didn't think I was a pretty pretty princess. As I got older, and the people around me got meaner, I started to accept their name calling and mean mentality as fact. I had no love for myself.

As I reached adulthood, I had no confidence. I considered myself ugly and sullen. I quit taking care of myself. I was frumpy and considered myself undesireable.

I never took the time to find out who I was, I never took the time to step back and look in the mirror. Then I reached my 20's and I was getting sick of always only being "cute". I wanted to be "beautiful", not "pretty", or "cute", BEAUTIFUL. I soon learned to read between the lines. Cute meant I wasn't good enough and pretty meant that they were desperate. I'm sorry but in my experience, it always turned out that way.

All my relationships were plagued because when they did compliment me. I didn't see it. I had no faith in myself. I had no self confidence.

Now here I am one marriage and four adult relationships later and where am I?

I wanna undo it.

I want the reset button hit so that's exactly what I'm gonna do. Reset the game.

At 26, there isn't a damn thing wrong with me. I love my body. I love every inch of fat, every curve, every inch of supple soft skin. I love the way my ass shakes and my boobs bounce. I love my thick thighs and my chubby cherub face.

I love my giggle and my infectious laugh. I love my bright eyes and my nose when it wrinkles. I love my curly dark hair and my crooked smile. I love my funky toes and my weird ears. I love me.

I love everything about me and nobody is gonna tell me any different.

I need someone that's gonna love my body as much as I do and I need friends in my life who love themselves, in a good way.

I'm done with the doom and gloom, I'm sick of the whine and mope. I need to clear the cobwebs off my make up and match up my wardrobe. I need to clean the clutter out of my life and I need to start being me. I need to get back to basics.

No more letting people put me down, no more settling for less. No more pity, no more favors, it's time to get real. I need a real love, real friends, a real life, because up until this summer, my life and myself were a real mess. I've been through hell, it's time for the rainbows and the happy bunnies. 






Now I only have myself to blame
For falling for your stupid games
I wish my life could be
The way it was before I saw your face

That boy is like a disease.....

or....The symphony of the 5 dollar canned air.

I must be getting old.

I remember when you could buy canned air for 3.00. Wal-marts now sells it for about 6 bucks. Dollar general for 5. I guess the industry figured that with all these stupid kids huffing it, that they'd do the same thing they did to cigarettes. Raise the price. Because just like with cigarettes, it doesn't matter what brand you huff, they all do the same thing. Kill you. But the name brands taste better.

Something else is telling me that I'm getting old.

I'm starting to have little to no patience for people who waste their lives. I remember when I first got the internet, I submerged myself in it. I was depressed, live in a town with nothing to do, was chasing after a guy who didn't wanna be with me, and then came the internet. Funny, I'm still chasing guys that don't wanna be with me.

I have never had a problem with long distance relationships. I never had a physical need. I can get myself off just fine thanks. I'm more of an emotional connection person.

My problem though is that I'm too nice of a person. And I always fall for these guys who are emotionally unavailable, bankrupt or there's a string attached. I always pick the real winners. You know the type. They're nice but they have more baggage then amtrak. Or they are obsessed with sex. Or they are emotionally apathetic. They womanize. They objectify. They have no purpose in life, no drive, they don't really do anything with their lives.

Maybe it's me being 26, maybe it was being married for 3 years, maybe it's this assanine childish divorce, but I just can't do it anymore. I don't even wanna be around these guys anymore. These are the same guys that give me slack when I don't return their obnoxious sexual advances or....I'm not online.

Hey man I spent a good portion of my life sucked into the internet. I need to breathe. I have a mother, my college, hobbies, interests, and a spinal condition which really means......when I am on the internet, I'm trying to relax. I'm all for fun and games, but my love, my time, and my attraction is too precious to just give away freely, so take a number, grow up and get in line.

At 26....I'm not looking for one night stands, and relationships with conditions. I'm tired of the juvenile games. I'm looking for something and someone real. I want someone with goals and ambitions. Someone with a sense of humor. Someone the deals in reality. I need someone who doesn't dwell on the past. I need someone honest and open. I need someone compassionate and loving. I need someone flirty, fun and dirty at times. I need someone with a mix of manners and personality. I'm not settling.

So the trend needs to stop. I need a best friend, not some fair weather freak show. I want unconditional....not puppet strings. I'm sick of wasting my time.

Just like I'm sick of paying 5.00 for canned air because when you compare bad relationships to canned air, no matter how you package it, paint it, price it, display it, or hype it....in the end. It's the same thing. Thin air.