Nail Polish, Makeup Junkie, And Oh Yeah! I Still Have THIS!

I didn't forget I had a blog but medical problems pretty much just put you into a corner and make it so that some things need to go on the back burner until you finally feel up to come out swinging. The good news is this time I came out swinging with a plan for this ye olde blog of mine! In addition to my ramblings of my day to day life I'm going to start reviewing my nail polish finds, makeup pick ups, fashion steals and whatever else I come across.

The fact is these past few months I've been shopping, bargain hunting, thrifting, and justing retail therapying like a fiend and if I don't start sharing my finds with the world, I'm going to start going INSANE. I also may have a nice BIG HUGE MAJOR little announcement come my birthday on the 31st that will become an intrical part of my mish mosh messy blog.

The truth is I just like to write, and I love nail polish, and fashion, and good buys, and steals, and vintage, and I love my blog which good heavens needs a make over so expect that in the coming days. Need a new version and maybe if I knew how to design an actual blog I could stop using cut and paste backgrounds, but I digress.

I also get to do sample offers sometimes and I would love to share my sneak peeks with you guys when I can! So expect a complete overhaul for this blog. 

Fight Like A Girl

When I was a child, the hardest thing I had to endure was the fact that my father was a ghost in my life. Absent. MIA. It haunted me most of my life until I got older and I accepted it and I found new things to replace that pain. After I reached adult hood, the hardest thing I had to endure was losing my first child to a miscarriage, something that I still struggle with up until I realized that the only reason why it bothers me is because I was unable to find closure. Closure that I fully intend on getting. But for every chapter that closes in the book of pain, another opens. Mine started around October and has been continuing on ever since. It started small, throbbing pains in the back of my head, and then the spams started with nausea and blinding pain. Then the mood swings and the confusion. Then the numbness and the tingling. 

There was something seriously wrong with me, but no emergency room visit I went too could tell me what was wrong. I felt helpless. I felt hopeless. The doctors bills were coming in and I wasn't making enough to pay them. My personal relationships were suffering because my insurance through work didn't cover my BiPolar medication, everything was going wrong. I was losing touch with reality and it was a fight just to make it through my ten hour shifts at work, but I had to do it. Everything and everyone relied on me. Everyone was counting on me. 

I put my personal health and my needs on the back burner for everyone else. I put myself second. I let everyone else go first. And then it happened. The first of two trips to the emergency room from the job site. I just went on break when the episode hit me. I could barely move. I was shaking so bad. I was so dizzy and I was so confused. I could barely speak. I knew something was wrong. I also knew that things couldn't continue like this. I couldn't continue like this, but could I stand up for myself? No. The answer was no. 

I kept pushing. I kept letting everyone else tell me what I needed to do. I kept letting everyone else rely on me and put their needs on me. The guy I was interested in put more stress on me with his little games and his kid stuff and I tolerated it because I was head over heels for him. It was a slow burn. The weight on my shoulders was immense and I just continue to let it build. I went through narcotics with drawls when I had to go off my BiPolar medicine and I was still enduring that. By the time December came, I was a mess. 

The mirror cracked the day after Christmas. You know the saying "go out quietly"? Yeah that was me. I had horrible thoughts in my head. I was desperate for a way out. I just wanted to die. I felt hopeless and alone and I just wanted to die. My life had fallen completely apart, I had no reason to keep up the facade, I just wanted out. I took a shower, made my peace and had my mind made up on how the deed would be done. 

Obviously, I'm still here. I ended up going to mental health for a three day stay. The food was horrible, but it was a stay I needed. I'm still working my way through things. I'm in therapy, I'm on new medication, it's going to be a long time before I'm at that half way point, but I'm fighting, because I found reasons to fight. 

That other medical condition? Yeah I still have it. I'm still working through that too. I have a herniated disc in my neck, arthritis, and spinal degeneration at the base of my neck, plus my neck curves in the wrong direction. I'm all sorts of messed up. I need to get in to see a neurologist sometime soon too. My life is a plethora of doctors appointments, therapy, and coping right now. The difference is that I've been a fighter my whole life and I'm going to keep on fighting. 

My life is about getting back to the basics right now, which that's probably what my next post is going to be about, getting back to the basics of me. Right now it's about fighting....fighting like a girl. 

It's a liberty walk....

or.... what one summer of hardship, a 27th birthday, and long look in the mirror taught me.


Well I'm back! I took the summer off from blogging because honestly, my mind was elsewhere. Mind you I got in touch with my inner columnist by beginning to see things in a different perspective and wanting to blog about them.


I took the summer to really just put things into perspective and finally have some conversations with myself. I'm happy to report that myself listened and we're on the same wave length now.




So what exactly is my liberty walk? My walking away from the world.




So what is MY liberty? Freedom from the world. The ways of the world, the expectations of the world, the wants, needs and desires of the world. To live as I believe, to worship as I wish. Freedom from archaic labels and sub cultures. 




When I made the decision to return to Christianity, I had no idea it would be so hard! I spent a majority of my life just doing what I wanted, when I wanted, with absolute abandonment of the right and wrong, the people in my lives, and sometimes, even my own well being. 




I had to make some absolute life changes and some have been harder then others. Like, I could quit the cursing easy. And things like smoking and drinking were a piece of cake to ditch. The hard exposition? Sexual Immorality. It's all around you! And this past year I've been faced with situation, after situation, of guys who just don't "get it" when I simply say that I'm not interested. I have a clear vision in my mind, with the help of the good book, of the type of man I want and need in my life, and sexual escapades is pretty far down on that list. I even had a friend remark to me, after I declared my abstinence promise to myself, that "how can you expect a guy to buy the car without taking it for a test drive". What!? Are you kidding me?!




Sorry pal, but I consider my body to be a pristine condition 67 mustang, and that's just something you don't need to test drive first, you just KNOW it's worth the investment. 




It isn't just the sexual immorality that I've taken my liberty freedom from. It's the toxic and poisonous people in my life. It's the internet addiction. The materialism. The abuse of the earth. I decided to embrace the things, that made me who I was. My uniqueness, my bad habits, my wide eyed perception of the world. I took all who I was, and all who I am, kept the good, worked on the bad, and combined it all. 




I lived a huge lie. A literal lie. I hated who I was, so I created some fabulous lie to mask the "lame" parts of me. This summer, I embraced those lame parts. Now I am still lame, but I love myself. Simple things like, bird watching, growing my own foods, watching my sun flowers sky rocket past the gutters, watching the animals in the back yard. Things like, spending time with my mother, making plans for my grant check, getting house projects ready for when the heat died down. Even something as small as enjoying cleaning out clutter. 




I traded numerous amounts of fantasy wrestling sites, for digital scrap booking, teaching myself photography, making plans with my dad for the shooting range. I traded too many repetitive face book games, for card games with my mom, or watching old westerns on T.V. I traded raunchy, explicit music, for something more meaningful, something more in tune with my new life. 




And you know what?




I don't miss any of it. If anything, alot of that stuff was a hinderance. The roleplaying became time consuming, the music was getting obnoxious, the face book games were getting stressful. I was consuming myself with, well, clutter! And it wasn't just the physical stuff. It was internal, mental and emotional clutter, that was making me miserable. I was holding on to a lot of hurt, anger, frustration. Things that went back years. From forgiveness I wish I could give, to forgiveness I wish I could get, to revenge I wish I could have or would have extracted, to irritability over situations that were beyond my human control. 




I realized, through this summer, and all my little personal discoveries, that I didn't really know who I was. Or what I wanted to be. I had lived this vicious, repetitive lie, for so long that I lost sight of, me. Simply put. So I made myself a challenge. To figure out who I am. What I like. Who "me" really is. And then be that woman. So far, I've found that by most peoples standards, I'm lame, boring, and a square, and ya know what? I'm okay with that. I have an old wise soul, and I love that about myself. I embrace that. 




Granted, being beyond my years, makes having conversations with those folks I knew online, difficult. I mean, I may be 27, but most other 27 year olds have no interest in what color I'm painting my living room, or what decor I decided for my bedroom. I blame this on an absence of female friends. And also that I already did that marriage thing. Where as most of the females in my life are doing the mom thing. I mean I did the mom thing, but my kid has angel wings, not cute dresses, or Head Start lol I have nothing to brag about. Can you see the big gap here? 




My solution though, is to start socializing more. To get out in the world, and make some local friends. I've sought out social clubs and organizations that I can join to get out in the world and get out of this funnel I created by using the internet to make friends.




P.S I still love you guys, but you can't come to my parties! ;)




I honestly feel like my decision to do a liberty walk away from the world, has lifted a huge weight off of my shoulders. Not just because I let go of all the bad things, but because I'm not afraid to say "yeah I'm a Christian, I believe in God, I believe in right and wrong, so what?". It isn't just my religion that I've come to terms with, it's the image in the mirror, but that's being saved for another post. Which should be sometime next week. Promise!




I think in everyones life, they have staged a liberty walk from something, or even someone. So I wanted to throw this out there to those of you who read this blog, what has been a liberty walk in your life? And how are you now that you have made it? I'm looking forward to at least a few replies!




xoxo

Let me show you the way out...

or....my brain works just fine thanks!

I've heard a lot of lame excuses in my day. Believe me. As a child and as a teenager, I just rolled my eyes and walked away, but in my adult years, I become fascinated with the vast array of B.S people throw my way to make their actions or words seem okay.

When it comes to relationships, I think I've heard, and seen, it all. The mamas boy, the one with the massive personality disorder, the habitual liar, the addict, the perverted one, the one with the low self esteem, the alcoholic, and the egotistical playboy. I've heard some great lines from the long line of losers I've come across in my life, most recently it has been, "I need to find myself". That was classic, but I digress.

Despite all the "choice" individuals, both friend and former beaus, that I have come across, I never find a shortage of that guy. You know that one. He drools over anything that walks, he finds solace in being the perverted individual. He objectifies every situation involving a woman that he possibly can. He even makes the innocent every day things a grotesque perverted mess. Nothing is sacred.

In my youth, I never really noticed, but being the wise and wiley age of 26 nigh 27, changes you perspective. As does divorce, death and rebirth. But age is far easier to explain. I find I am surrounded by these "great" catches and am...disgusted. Is this the best this world has to offer a girl? The one who looks at every girl who walks by? The one who can't look at the lingerie section of the sunday advertisement without getting slightly stiff?

I deserve better. I don't claim to speak for every woman as I know there are those women who are just as perverted and enjoy the delicate art of...perversion? I don't. Blame it on my grandmother, blame it on my private school education, blame it on the old movies I watch, my self respect even blame it on my religious beliefs, but I just can't accept that it is okay for a man, past the age of 18, to continue to womanize and objectify women.

I see a serious flaw in it! I mean, how is that supposed to look to me? "Gee, I bet I can change him." In my experience, men just don't change. Men are carnal creatures who rely and relish on basic needs and desires and are animals of habit. The only changing they usually do, is get worse. At least until a child is born or some serious life altering event happens.

Yes, I can easily steer clear of these...fine....men. Especially the ones whom I have known for awhile that seem to think it's okay to deem me a prude now that I don't believe in pre-martial sex and have no interest in sex what-so-ever since, "you used to be...". Used to be what? A tramp? So you're saying that if I devoid myself of all self respect and freely let men like you abuse my body, show me no respect what so ever, and then shove me aside when you find someone "better", then I'm acceptable? Is my self respect not sexy to you? I apologize. I was unaware that I had to abuse myself and destroy myself emotionally and mentally in order for you to find me appealing.

These are the same, "classy", guys who get irritated when after they tell me that "I don't get it" because "You're a woman" and that my "brain processes differently" ( you know, to make themselves sound semi intelligent ), to defend their constant arousal at faux lesbianism, hot 16-17 year olds ( IE Pedofilia, but thats a dirty word, so it's just "admiration" by most mens standards, even though they are still, in fact, under age of consent), and not to mention give two thumbs and a phallic member up for every side boob shot, booty short peep show and even down to five seconds of naked breast on late night premium channels. They get irritated when I tell them point blank that it's not that I don't "get it" because I do. Womanizing, objectifying, perversion are the same in any language and any sex.

These are the same guys that wonder why they are still single. Fascinatingly enough, they all have the same things going for them. Nothing. I don't say that to be catty, I'm just being honest. A lot of these guys are in the 25-30 range and they have zero to offer. Minimum wage jobs, no place of their own, some have no cars, some with no higher education.

I may not know my own sex that well, but I know a lot of women my age are looking "long term". Meanwhile most of these guys are looking for one night stands, free sex, or "fringe benefits". I know that no matter how independent and self reliant a woman is, when they are looking for a long term relationship ( at least the ones I know ), they are looking for a mate who has goals and aspirations, who is successful, in at least something. Who wants to better themselves. Someone with self respect. Someone who can be a provider, supportive and who isn't overly egotistical or self serving.

Or maybe my brain is just wonky? Is it just me? Am I wrong to assume that at my age, it becomes less about sleeping around, and more about a stable future? I am well aware of the age old addage that "men don't mature until 35-40" and I know even more men who buy into that crap. Maturity is a choice, not a chemical fixation. You either choose to better yourself, or you don't. You either choose to get your act together, or you don't. You either become your own man, or you don't. It's the same for both sexes.

At some point, you choose to grow up. That's my stance. These guys who look down on me because I'm not promiscuous or I don't give bits and pieces of myself away, the ones who tell me I'm not attractive enough because I don't show enough skin, or that I'm not "hot" because I'm not into perversions anymore, are clearly the same guys who chose not to grow up.

I will freely admit, I used to pass myself around a give myself away. You know how it always ended? With my heart broken and my confidence shattered. I was used, abused and got nothing for my "putting myself out there" but heartache and hating myself. I following the mainstream, turned away from what I truly believed, all the name of "love" and "cool" and I regret it. With the dissolution of my marriage vows, I made a choice that those days were over. I was done hating myself and I was sick of vying for the attention of men who were only interested if I got them off or I fawned all over them. If that's the way I have to act to get a man, I would much rather be single.

Or is my brain wonky?

You can blame it on hormones, science, whatever, that's your perogative, whatever you believe, is what you believe and I'm not here to change it, I just know how I feel about the not so fairer sex. I know how I feel about being objectified, and all the perversion that runs rampant throughout the world. I know how I feel about womanizers and those petty selfish men who rate women on scales and determined them for sex based on "only if I was drunk" "if I was on a drought" "maybe if I'm feeling giving" and "Id rock her world". I've been there. I know what it's like to hit that grading scale "I'd let her give me head but then I'd push her away".

But maybe, like I said. My brain isn't working properly? Personally, I think it's working just fine.

Forget about it....

.....I'm admittin' I was wrong And I'll just take what's mine And walk right out the door....


Or what three years of marriage, four failed online relationships and subsequently divorce taught me. 


Total disclosure. With out it, there is no room for trust, faith, or love. True love means laying all your cards on the table. I would rather love who you truly are, imperfections, baggage and past history and all, then love the person you want me to believe you are. We all have a past, we all have a history, there is no room in serious relationships, let alone any relationship for white lies and hidden truths. 


No matter how much you love a person, spending every waking moment with them is a bad idea. Constant contact ruins marriages. Talk to any couple who divorced after five or ten years and they will always say "I couldn't stand to look at them anymore.". They aren't lying. I don't care how much you love them, or even how well you get on, take a weekend to yourself. Set aside some alone time. You will regret it if you don't. 


That leads me to personal space. Honor it. We all have our limits and our niches. 


No means no. No doesn't mean "you don't love me" or "i hate you". No doesn't mean "i don't love you". No, simply means, no. No one should ever have to repeat that word on the same subject. This usually happens a lot in the sex department. Nobody knows our bodies better then ourselves and nobody knows our comfort zones better then ourselves. When the one you love says no. Just drop it. There is no room for bargaining, guilt trips, or anger. A percentage of love comes from mutual respect. Never forget that. 


Affection that is given only because it was cohersed, is not affection. It's patronizing. If I have to beg and plead, and grovel to get you to give me affections, tell me you love me or anything period, then it should be clear that your heart isn't in the relationship anymore and one of us needs to go. 


Communication. For the most part, you cant read each others minds. You need to set away some time, when you can be alone, to talk things out. If she starts crying, don't get huffy and act like she's being melodramatic. If he says something that hurts your feelings, talk it out. No relationship can survive with a brick wall inbetween. 


Romance works both ways. If he does for you, you should do for him and if you don't know what to do, ask. Because ten to one odds, if you don't know what you could do to be romantic for your partner, you don't know them very well. 


Online relationships are not a joke. The physicality may be non existent, but the feelings, the bond is real. It shouldn't matter how many miles you are apart, you treat that online or long distance relationship with care and respect. All the rules of a regular relationship still apply. 


No matter how angry you are when it comes to a divorce or a breakup, in the end, it isn't worth it. They're gone and they aren't coming back. No. Things will never be the same, no matter how good of friends you started out as. Relationships and marriage skewes things and perspectives. Your ex lover, no longer sees you in the same light as they did when you first met. You're now excess baggage and they will cut you out of their life for various vain reasons. As much as it hurts, you might as well do the same and not drive yourself crazy wishing that you could still be friends. 


Don't have sex the first time you meet face to face or early in the relationship. You will feel like crap when the honeymoon is over. Likewise, don't use sex and charm as a means to catch anyone. The novelty will wear off and then what do you have? Uneven ground. Sex is a gift, an experience that should be shared between two passionate people who are completely connected by the soul and heart. The more you give it away, the cheaper you are. If they can't wait until YOU are ready or until the relationship is solid, just walk away. Trust me. 


I don't care how old you are. Kids are not just "part of the package deal". Thats BS. Do not go into any relationship with the wide eyed ideal of happily ever after and a perfect family. Kids are something that comes after a strong long lasting relationship. Not because of a spare of the moment quickie or because "I think I'm ready". Because if you can't see yourself with your partner "for the rest of my life", then you need to take into consideration what those kids will go through when you and your short term lover split up. Just because you get along now, doesn't mean you will in a year...or nine months.


As much as it may pain you, you both have a family, and just as you want your partner to at least respect your family, they deserve the same. Unless there is a mutual agreement on the subject of "your mom hates me", suck it up, take it with a grain of salt and be as respectful as possible. On the flip side, if your family is really that wicked and mean, and your partner is constantly bombarded with insults and snide comments, you need to make a decision of whether you are going to stand up for your lover, or if you're going to side with your family. This isn't about choosing sides, consider this. If you were in a serious relationship and your beaus family was constantly putting you down and it was affecting you deeply, how would you feel if your partner simply said "but they're my family"? Personally, I would feel like they were agreeing with their family. Always think about how YOU would feel if you were in their shoes. 


Don't eyeball the opposite sex when you're out. It's just tacky. Unless you are both okay with mutual admiration, just stop. A relationship means your focus is soley on that person you agreed to be with. Porn shouldn't have a place in any relationship unless your partner is okay with it and don't just assume or just dictate that "its my right". Thats a cop out. Porn ruins relationships. Also, don't hold on to that old flame and mentally compare your new flame with the old one. Even if they never find out, it's just plain mean. You shouldn't want what you USED to have, you should be happy with what you DO have. 


These are just some of the many things I learned through a process of elimination and heartbreak. There are many many more. I've taken away a newfound respect for myself from all of it. Respect for what alot of women go through. I realized that my body, was mine. That I shouldn't have to give it away just because I'm afraid if I don't, I'm going to lose the person I'm with. I've learned that, I deserve to be treated with respect, adored, and treated fairly. My opinions, are not laughable or should be pushed aside as fodder. I'm a human being, I bled, cry, and hurt just like any other woman of substance. 


I've also learned that my beauty does not lie in the number on a scale. I am beautiful no matter what size I am. I shouldn't have to stress my weight and force myself to drop pounds just because there is that chance that the person I'm with might find someone more attractive. Beauty fades, real love, that's forever. If you can't see my beauty unless I'm a size small, then you don't deserve me because real beauty comes from who I am, my strength, my wit, my talent, my heart and soul. If you can't see that, then I am clearly wasting my time. 


I learned that it is okay to say no. That I'm not being unreasonable when I stand up for what I believe in, or I stick to my principals, just as I have learned that I should never have to trade my beliefs, my principals and my faith for love. I am all for compromise, just not when that compromise equates to me living a lie and being miserable. I should feel free to be who I am and then improve upon that fact. Not pretend to be someone I'm not just so you will love me.


I refuse to compete for affections. If there is someone out there thats better for you, or there is some flame you can't let go, then please, spare me the shame and just walk away. I won't be a fool for anyone. I understand that relationships end, I'm okay with that, just be honest. 


Sexual attraction, does not equal love, and no amount of sex acts will make someone love you. I learned that the hard way. Never again. I'm a human being, not a concubine. 


Needless to say, the next episode of my love life will be better planned and more thought out. Because the self abuse just isn't worth it anymore. 


"Maybe I can stand alone...maybe I'm strong as stone...."


XO

I tried to stick to the plan....

...but I had to get rid of the weight on my fourth finger, left hand.

It's funny how you don't realize and notice things. Everybody knows that this past year has been hard for me. It'll be a year in a day or two since my husband walked away from our marriage. Depending on who you talk too, I'm either bitter, pathetically longing for his return, or a survivor. You are free to believe whichever suits your purpose.

A lot of changes came as a result of the dissolution of my three year marriage. Most of them positive really. I sit here at this lap top, listening to Brandi's Who I Am, and I am smiling. Nothing particular has happened today that would warrant a smile. Sure my watermelons sprouted and my sunflowers are growing like crazy. My morning glories finally broke through. Nothing of substance really. So why am I so perky?

I can breathe again. The truth be told, when he walked away, I was hurt. Confused. Angry. Bitter. Maybe I should still be? That seems to be the stigma that everybody around me has.  But why? What purpose would it serve? What would I garner but headaches and a loss of sleep? What is there really to be angry about? The lies? Maybe. The deceptions? Maybe. There is a lot I could be bitter and angry about. But what good would it do? I've had a year to sit here and sort through the pieces, and despite it all, every little negative thing, the one thing it always comes down too, is we went in seperate directions.

We were two different people. In the end we were strangers that just happened to be married. When the bottom fell out, there was no passion left, no love, just animosity, stress and apathy. There truly was nothing left to save. How can I fault a man for wanting out of a dead end relationship? I mean, if I sat here and typed that I was totally blindsided, or that the thought of seperation never crossed my mind, I would be a bold faced liar. After all, nobody ever asked who initiated the seperation in the first place. It was me. Things were dissolving at a rapid pace and I was the one who suggested some time apart. While he was the one who made the decision to end the marriage, I was the one who put the offer on the table.

I knew when we drove away from the train station, it was over. There was no going back. One last kiss goodbye and when the morning came, I knew I had to start over. Yeah I tried, sure, to make it work, to work through the massive amount of issues, but eventually I realized, there was nothing left to save.

Through this year, it's been an uphill battle and it still isn't over. It probably won't be for a long while and I am okay with that. I found a strength in myself that I never knew I had. Where others would have laid down and died, I kept going. I'm a better woman for all of it now. All the years of people telling me I was strong and of sturdy stock, but I never gave it much thought, I didn't know what strength was. I know what it is now. I'm proud of myself. I am a woman of fierce courage, strong faith, and compassionate nature. I see myself in a new and refreshing light. I'm at peace.

This experience has made me who I am. Despite the hurt and the pain, I'm glad it happened. The circumstances could have been far worse. In the end, I'm ok. And I'm going to continue to be okay.

I wish him all the best in the world and hope he finds his place in this world.

I know I've found mine.

xo

To be what is is to be what you are...

...and baby all I'm missin is a black guitar....

Cause I'm a rock star.....

So whats been going on?


I guess for me is that whole "going on with my life" thing which is actually going pretty good. This is my final semester for my AAS in CRJ. I go back in the fall for my Human Services and will have 3 semesters of that. You have no idea how good it feels to realize that I did it. I made it to the wire.

Depending on how I manage with math, I'll probably start shopping around for my special treat for myself. Gonna get my photos taken for grad. I may or may not throw a party. If I do I'll let you local folks know!

I have to meet with career services probably in March or April for job placement. Been reading up on resume creation. I'm looking to get into Juvenile Justice.

I'm taking corrections, drug & alcohol, Speech and business math this semester. My math class doesn't start till the 4th.

Things have been going pretty good. I feel like I'm in a better place mentally and emotionally. I feel a sense of clarity. I've spent the past week cleaning out the past. Blogs, journals, memories of the past. I start working out again now that we have the downstairs finished for the most part. I've been taking time to spend some time alone with myself. To be honest I think the worst is past.

I found a new church to attend. I have to wait till we can fill the tank up, which should be soon, but once I do I'll start attending. Been looking into starting a non-profit pet food pantry as well. Got the idea from an article I read. I guess I've just felt empowered lately. I don't doubt myself as much anymore. I feel a sense of freedom and love now that I haven't felt in a long time.

I guess a lot of it has to do with working my way back to God. I was forced to take a step back from my life and see the bigger picture and I didn't like what I saw. I wasn't proud of myself. I didn't like who I was. I've been through a lot in the past few years and in the end, it really was all avoidable. The malice and the hurt was all pointless and preventable. It's still going on, but it isn't from me. I'm above it now.

Lately I've been talking to a friend who knew me when I was at my worst, and something he said got the wheels in my mind turning. He called me a prude. Mainly because I wasn't putting my sexuality and my body out there for free anymore. Because I was looking for something deeper then sex and basic needs. I guess it irritates him because when we first met, I was hell on wheels and now, I'm just not. Of course the underlying truth is that he's just angry because now I'm single and hard as he tries he can't weasle his way back into my life. Hey I call it as I see it.

But why? Why should I put everything out there? Why would I want to keep trying a method that has failed for me so many times? Am I wrong? Am I wrong to want to have a relationship based on deeper dimensions? Am I wrong to not want to settle for whatever is available? Am I wrong to not want to be with someone who has to rely on vulgarities and has a smart mouth? Who thinks they know it all? Don't I deserve to have terms for my next relationship? I think I do.

Sex is good, but it doesn't last forever, beauty is nice, but unlike inner beauty it fades. Personality is okay, but people change and then what do you have? When all that is gone, what basis do you have? None. I'm done with circumstancial love. I'm ready to graduate to something more meaningful.

I'm not saying my past relationships weren't meaningful. They were, but they were all based on the wrong reasons. It's why they failed. I hear a lot of that "you're letting one man dictate your future". Do you know how annoying that is? I'm not letting anybody dictate anything. Just because I don't want to be with you doesn't mean that I'm holding what somebody else did as a precedent. And that is about the time I realize that you don't know me at all and I need to distance myself from you. And quite honestly I've been doing that alot lately. Distancing myself from people who I feel are negative influences. Maybe it means I have nobody left to talk to online, but I'm okay with that because I have books to read, hobbies to persue, and crime shows to watch.

I have gotten a lot of "but nobody deserves to be alone" lines, but in all honesty, I'd rather be alone then to go through perpetual failed relationships. When you weigh being alone to the frustraition that comes from serial dating, I'll take a pint of ben & jerrys and an old movie thank you very much. Eventually, someone is going to come along and they are going to be the person that I need and that's all that matters. I'm leaving it in God's hands. I'd rather wait for years for that perfect one, then drive myself crazy with a bunch of mistakes.


Meanwhile, I'm gonna chase my dreams, build my career, persue my hobbies, and enjoy life as best I can. You get out of life, exactly what you put into it. I'm putting my heart and soul in. This time it counts.