Nail Polish, Makeup Junkie, And Oh Yeah! I Still Have THIS!

I didn't forget I had a blog but medical problems pretty much just put you into a corner and make it so that some things need to go on the back burner until you finally feel up to come out swinging. The good news is this time I came out swinging with a plan for this ye olde blog of mine! In addition to my ramblings of my day to day life I'm going to start reviewing my nail polish finds, makeup pick ups, fashion steals and whatever else I come across.

The fact is these past few months I've been shopping, bargain hunting, thrifting, and justing retail therapying like a fiend and if I don't start sharing my finds with the world, I'm going to start going INSANE. I also may have a nice BIG HUGE MAJOR little announcement come my birthday on the 31st that will become an intrical part of my mish mosh messy blog.

The truth is I just like to write, and I love nail polish, and fashion, and good buys, and steals, and vintage, and I love my blog which good heavens needs a make over so expect that in the coming days. Need a new version and maybe if I knew how to design an actual blog I could stop using cut and paste backgrounds, but I digress.

I also get to do sample offers sometimes and I would love to share my sneak peeks with you guys when I can! So expect a complete overhaul for this blog. 

Fight Like A Girl

When I was a child, the hardest thing I had to endure was the fact that my father was a ghost in my life. Absent. MIA. It haunted me most of my life until I got older and I accepted it and I found new things to replace that pain. After I reached adult hood, the hardest thing I had to endure was losing my first child to a miscarriage, something that I still struggle with up until I realized that the only reason why it bothers me is because I was unable to find closure. Closure that I fully intend on getting. But for every chapter that closes in the book of pain, another opens. Mine started around October and has been continuing on ever since. It started small, throbbing pains in the back of my head, and then the spams started with nausea and blinding pain. Then the mood swings and the confusion. Then the numbness and the tingling. 

There was something seriously wrong with me, but no emergency room visit I went too could tell me what was wrong. I felt helpless. I felt hopeless. The doctors bills were coming in and I wasn't making enough to pay them. My personal relationships were suffering because my insurance through work didn't cover my BiPolar medication, everything was going wrong. I was losing touch with reality and it was a fight just to make it through my ten hour shifts at work, but I had to do it. Everything and everyone relied on me. Everyone was counting on me. 

I put my personal health and my needs on the back burner for everyone else. I put myself second. I let everyone else go first. And then it happened. The first of two trips to the emergency room from the job site. I just went on break when the episode hit me. I could barely move. I was shaking so bad. I was so dizzy and I was so confused. I could barely speak. I knew something was wrong. I also knew that things couldn't continue like this. I couldn't continue like this, but could I stand up for myself? No. The answer was no. 

I kept pushing. I kept letting everyone else tell me what I needed to do. I kept letting everyone else rely on me and put their needs on me. The guy I was interested in put more stress on me with his little games and his kid stuff and I tolerated it because I was head over heels for him. It was a slow burn. The weight on my shoulders was immense and I just continue to let it build. I went through narcotics with drawls when I had to go off my BiPolar medicine and I was still enduring that. By the time December came, I was a mess. 

The mirror cracked the day after Christmas. You know the saying "go out quietly"? Yeah that was me. I had horrible thoughts in my head. I was desperate for a way out. I just wanted to die. I felt hopeless and alone and I just wanted to die. My life had fallen completely apart, I had no reason to keep up the facade, I just wanted out. I took a shower, made my peace and had my mind made up on how the deed would be done. 

Obviously, I'm still here. I ended up going to mental health for a three day stay. The food was horrible, but it was a stay I needed. I'm still working my way through things. I'm in therapy, I'm on new medication, it's going to be a long time before I'm at that half way point, but I'm fighting, because I found reasons to fight. 

That other medical condition? Yeah I still have it. I'm still working through that too. I have a herniated disc in my neck, arthritis, and spinal degeneration at the base of my neck, plus my neck curves in the wrong direction. I'm all sorts of messed up. I need to get in to see a neurologist sometime soon too. My life is a plethora of doctors appointments, therapy, and coping right now. The difference is that I've been a fighter my whole life and I'm going to keep on fighting. 

My life is about getting back to the basics right now, which that's probably what my next post is going to be about, getting back to the basics of me. Right now it's about fighting....fighting like a girl.