or....my brain works just fine thanks!
I've heard a lot of lame excuses in my day. Believe me. As a child and as a teenager, I just rolled my eyes and walked away, but in my adult years, I become fascinated with the vast array of B.S people throw my way to make their actions or words seem okay.
When it comes to relationships, I think I've heard, and seen, it all. The mamas boy, the one with the massive personality disorder, the habitual liar, the addict, the perverted one, the one with the low self esteem, the alcoholic, and the egotistical playboy. I've heard some great lines from the long line of losers I've come across in my life, most recently it has been, "I need to find myself". That was classic, but I digress.
Despite all the "choice" individuals, both friend and former beaus, that I have come across, I never find a shortage of that guy. You know that one. He drools over anything that walks, he finds solace in being the perverted individual. He objectifies every situation involving a woman that he possibly can. He even makes the innocent every day things a grotesque perverted mess. Nothing is sacred.
In my youth, I never really noticed, but being the wise and wiley age of 26 nigh 27, changes you perspective. As does divorce, death and rebirth. But age is far easier to explain. I find I am surrounded by these "great" catches and am...disgusted. Is this the best this world has to offer a girl? The one who looks at every girl who walks by? The one who can't look at the lingerie section of the sunday advertisement without getting slightly stiff?
I deserve better. I don't claim to speak for every woman as I know there are those women who are just as perverted and enjoy the delicate art of...perversion? I don't. Blame it on my grandmother, blame it on my private school education, blame it on the old movies I watch, my self respect even blame it on my religious beliefs, but I just can't accept that it is okay for a man, past the age of 18, to continue to womanize and objectify women.
I see a serious flaw in it! I mean, how is that supposed to look to me? "Gee, I bet I can change him." In my experience, men just don't change. Men are carnal creatures who rely and relish on basic needs and desires and are animals of habit. The only changing they usually do, is get worse. At least until a child is born or some serious life altering event happens.
Yes, I can easily steer clear of these...fine....men. Especially the ones whom I have known for awhile that seem to think it's okay to deem me a prude now that I don't believe in pre-martial sex and have no interest in sex what-so-ever since, "you used to be...". Used to be what? A tramp? So you're saying that if I devoid myself of all self respect and freely let men like you abuse my body, show me no respect what so ever, and then shove me aside when you find someone "better", then I'm acceptable? Is my self respect not sexy to you? I apologize. I was unaware that I had to abuse myself and destroy myself emotionally and mentally in order for you to find me appealing.
These are the same, "classy", guys who get irritated when after they tell me that "I don't get it" because "You're a woman" and that my "brain processes differently" ( you know, to make themselves sound semi intelligent ), to defend their constant arousal at faux lesbianism, hot 16-17 year olds ( IE Pedofilia, but thats a dirty word, so it's just "admiration" by most mens standards, even though they are still, in fact, under age of consent), and not to mention give two thumbs and a phallic member up for every side boob shot, booty short peep show and even down to five seconds of naked breast on late night premium channels. They get irritated when I tell them point blank that it's not that I don't "get it" because I do. Womanizing, objectifying, perversion are the same in any language and any sex.
These are the same guys that wonder why they are still single. Fascinatingly enough, they all have the same things going for them. Nothing. I don't say that to be catty, I'm just being honest. A lot of these guys are in the 25-30 range and they have zero to offer. Minimum wage jobs, no place of their own, some have no cars, some with no higher education.
I may not know my own sex that well, but I know a lot of women my age are looking "long term". Meanwhile most of these guys are looking for one night stands, free sex, or "fringe benefits". I know that no matter how independent and self reliant a woman is, when they are looking for a long term relationship ( at least the ones I know ), they are looking for a mate who has goals and aspirations, who is successful, in at least something. Who wants to better themselves. Someone with self respect. Someone who can be a provider, supportive and who isn't overly egotistical or self serving.
Or maybe my brain is just wonky? Is it just me? Am I wrong to assume that at my age, it becomes less about sleeping around, and more about a stable future? I am well aware of the age old addage that "men don't mature until 35-40" and I know even more men who buy into that crap. Maturity is a choice, not a chemical fixation. You either choose to better yourself, or you don't. You either choose to get your act together, or you don't. You either become your own man, or you don't. It's the same for both sexes.
At some point, you choose to grow up. That's my stance. These guys who look down on me because I'm not promiscuous or I don't give bits and pieces of myself away, the ones who tell me I'm not attractive enough because I don't show enough skin, or that I'm not "hot" because I'm not into perversions anymore, are clearly the same guys who chose not to grow up.
I will freely admit, I used to pass myself around a give myself away. You know how it always ended? With my heart broken and my confidence shattered. I was used, abused and got nothing for my "putting myself out there" but heartache and hating myself. I following the mainstream, turned away from what I truly believed, all the name of "love" and "cool" and I regret it. With the dissolution of my marriage vows, I made a choice that those days were over. I was done hating myself and I was sick of vying for the attention of men who were only interested if I got them off or I fawned all over them. If that's the way I have to act to get a man, I would much rather be single.
Or is my brain wonky?
You can blame it on hormones, science, whatever, that's your perogative, whatever you believe, is what you believe and I'm not here to change it, I just know how I feel about the not so fairer sex. I know how I feel about being objectified, and all the perversion that runs rampant throughout the world. I know how I feel about womanizers and those petty selfish men who rate women on scales and determined them for sex based on "only if I was drunk" "if I was on a drought" "maybe if I'm feeling giving" and "Id rock her world". I've been there. I know what it's like to hit that grading scale "I'd let her give me head but then I'd push her away".
But maybe, like I said. My brain isn't working properly? Personally, I think it's working just fine.
Monday, May 31, 2010
Thursday, May 13, 2010
Forget about it....
.....I'm admittin' I was wrong And I'll just take what's mine And walk right out the door....
Or what three years of marriage, four failed online relationships and subsequently divorce taught me.
Total disclosure. With out it, there is no room for trust, faith, or love. True love means laying all your cards on the table. I would rather love who you truly are, imperfections, baggage and past history and all, then love the person you want me to believe you are. We all have a past, we all have a history, there is no room in serious relationships, let alone any relationship for white lies and hidden truths.
No matter how much you love a person, spending every waking moment with them is a bad idea. Constant contact ruins marriages. Talk to any couple who divorced after five or ten years and they will always say "I couldn't stand to look at them anymore.". They aren't lying. I don't care how much you love them, or even how well you get on, take a weekend to yourself. Set aside some alone time. You will regret it if you don't.
That leads me to personal space. Honor it. We all have our limits and our niches.
No means no. No doesn't mean "you don't love me" or "i hate you". No doesn't mean "i don't love you". No, simply means, no. No one should ever have to repeat that word on the same subject. This usually happens a lot in the sex department. Nobody knows our bodies better then ourselves and nobody knows our comfort zones better then ourselves. When the one you love says no. Just drop it. There is no room for bargaining, guilt trips, or anger. A percentage of love comes from mutual respect. Never forget that.
Affection that is given only because it was cohersed, is not affection. It's patronizing. If I have to beg and plead, and grovel to get you to give me affections, tell me you love me or anything period, then it should be clear that your heart isn't in the relationship anymore and one of us needs to go.
Communication. For the most part, you cant read each others minds. You need to set away some time, when you can be alone, to talk things out. If she starts crying, don't get huffy and act like she's being melodramatic. If he says something that hurts your feelings, talk it out. No relationship can survive with a brick wall inbetween.
Romance works both ways. If he does for you, you should do for him and if you don't know what to do, ask. Because ten to one odds, if you don't know what you could do to be romantic for your partner, you don't know them very well.
Online relationships are not a joke. The physicality may be non existent, but the feelings, the bond is real. It shouldn't matter how many miles you are apart, you treat that online or long distance relationship with care and respect. All the rules of a regular relationship still apply.
No matter how angry you are when it comes to a divorce or a breakup, in the end, it isn't worth it. They're gone and they aren't coming back. No. Things will never be the same, no matter how good of friends you started out as. Relationships and marriage skewes things and perspectives. Your ex lover, no longer sees you in the same light as they did when you first met. You're now excess baggage and they will cut you out of their life for various vain reasons. As much as it hurts, you might as well do the same and not drive yourself crazy wishing that you could still be friends.
Don't have sex the first time you meet face to face or early in the relationship. You will feel like crap when the honeymoon is over. Likewise, don't use sex and charm as a means to catch anyone. The novelty will wear off and then what do you have? Uneven ground. Sex is a gift, an experience that should be shared between two passionate people who are completely connected by the soul and heart. The more you give it away, the cheaper you are. If they can't wait until YOU are ready or until the relationship is solid, just walk away. Trust me.
I don't care how old you are. Kids are not just "part of the package deal". Thats BS. Do not go into any relationship with the wide eyed ideal of happily ever after and a perfect family. Kids are something that comes after a strong long lasting relationship. Not because of a spare of the moment quickie or because "I think I'm ready". Because if you can't see yourself with your partner "for the rest of my life", then you need to take into consideration what those kids will go through when you and your short term lover split up. Just because you get along now, doesn't mean you will in a year...or nine months.
As much as it may pain you, you both have a family, and just as you want your partner to at least respect your family, they deserve the same. Unless there is a mutual agreement on the subject of "your mom hates me", suck it up, take it with a grain of salt and be as respectful as possible. On the flip side, if your family is really that wicked and mean, and your partner is constantly bombarded with insults and snide comments, you need to make a decision of whether you are going to stand up for your lover, or if you're going to side with your family. This isn't about choosing sides, consider this. If you were in a serious relationship and your beaus family was constantly putting you down and it was affecting you deeply, how would you feel if your partner simply said "but they're my family"? Personally, I would feel like they were agreeing with their family. Always think about how YOU would feel if you were in their shoes.
Don't eyeball the opposite sex when you're out. It's just tacky. Unless you are both okay with mutual admiration, just stop. A relationship means your focus is soley on that person you agreed to be with. Porn shouldn't have a place in any relationship unless your partner is okay with it and don't just assume or just dictate that "its my right". Thats a cop out. Porn ruins relationships. Also, don't hold on to that old flame and mentally compare your new flame with the old one. Even if they never find out, it's just plain mean. You shouldn't want what you USED to have, you should be happy with what you DO have.
These are just some of the many things I learned through a process of elimination and heartbreak. There are many many more. I've taken away a newfound respect for myself from all of it. Respect for what alot of women go through. I realized that my body, was mine. That I shouldn't have to give it away just because I'm afraid if I don't, I'm going to lose the person I'm with. I've learned that, I deserve to be treated with respect, adored, and treated fairly. My opinions, are not laughable or should be pushed aside as fodder. I'm a human being, I bled, cry, and hurt just like any other woman of substance.
I've also learned that my beauty does not lie in the number on a scale. I am beautiful no matter what size I am. I shouldn't have to stress my weight and force myself to drop pounds just because there is that chance that the person I'm with might find someone more attractive. Beauty fades, real love, that's forever. If you can't see my beauty unless I'm a size small, then you don't deserve me because real beauty comes from who I am, my strength, my wit, my talent, my heart and soul. If you can't see that, then I am clearly wasting my time.
I learned that it is okay to say no. That I'm not being unreasonable when I stand up for what I believe in, or I stick to my principals, just as I have learned that I should never have to trade my beliefs, my principals and my faith for love. I am all for compromise, just not when that compromise equates to me living a lie and being miserable. I should feel free to be who I am and then improve upon that fact. Not pretend to be someone I'm not just so you will love me.
I refuse to compete for affections. If there is someone out there thats better for you, or there is some flame you can't let go, then please, spare me the shame and just walk away. I won't be a fool for anyone. I understand that relationships end, I'm okay with that, just be honest.
Sexual attraction, does not equal love, and no amount of sex acts will make someone love you. I learned that the hard way. Never again. I'm a human being, not a concubine.
Needless to say, the next episode of my love life will be better planned and more thought out. Because the self abuse just isn't worth it anymore.
"Maybe I can stand alone...maybe I'm strong as stone...."
XO
Or what three years of marriage, four failed online relationships and subsequently divorce taught me.
Total disclosure. With out it, there is no room for trust, faith, or love. True love means laying all your cards on the table. I would rather love who you truly are, imperfections, baggage and past history and all, then love the person you want me to believe you are. We all have a past, we all have a history, there is no room in serious relationships, let alone any relationship for white lies and hidden truths.
No matter how much you love a person, spending every waking moment with them is a bad idea. Constant contact ruins marriages. Talk to any couple who divorced after five or ten years and they will always say "I couldn't stand to look at them anymore.". They aren't lying. I don't care how much you love them, or even how well you get on, take a weekend to yourself. Set aside some alone time. You will regret it if you don't.
That leads me to personal space. Honor it. We all have our limits and our niches.
No means no. No doesn't mean "you don't love me" or "i hate you". No doesn't mean "i don't love you". No, simply means, no. No one should ever have to repeat that word on the same subject. This usually happens a lot in the sex department. Nobody knows our bodies better then ourselves and nobody knows our comfort zones better then ourselves. When the one you love says no. Just drop it. There is no room for bargaining, guilt trips, or anger. A percentage of love comes from mutual respect. Never forget that.
Affection that is given only because it was cohersed, is not affection. It's patronizing. If I have to beg and plead, and grovel to get you to give me affections, tell me you love me or anything period, then it should be clear that your heart isn't in the relationship anymore and one of us needs to go.
Communication. For the most part, you cant read each others minds. You need to set away some time, when you can be alone, to talk things out. If she starts crying, don't get huffy and act like she's being melodramatic. If he says something that hurts your feelings, talk it out. No relationship can survive with a brick wall inbetween.
Romance works both ways. If he does for you, you should do for him and if you don't know what to do, ask. Because ten to one odds, if you don't know what you could do to be romantic for your partner, you don't know them very well.
Online relationships are not a joke. The physicality may be non existent, but the feelings, the bond is real. It shouldn't matter how many miles you are apart, you treat that online or long distance relationship with care and respect. All the rules of a regular relationship still apply.
No matter how angry you are when it comes to a divorce or a breakup, in the end, it isn't worth it. They're gone and they aren't coming back. No. Things will never be the same, no matter how good of friends you started out as. Relationships and marriage skewes things and perspectives. Your ex lover, no longer sees you in the same light as they did when you first met. You're now excess baggage and they will cut you out of their life for various vain reasons. As much as it hurts, you might as well do the same and not drive yourself crazy wishing that you could still be friends.
Don't have sex the first time you meet face to face or early in the relationship. You will feel like crap when the honeymoon is over. Likewise, don't use sex and charm as a means to catch anyone. The novelty will wear off and then what do you have? Uneven ground. Sex is a gift, an experience that should be shared between two passionate people who are completely connected by the soul and heart. The more you give it away, the cheaper you are. If they can't wait until YOU are ready or until the relationship is solid, just walk away. Trust me.
I don't care how old you are. Kids are not just "part of the package deal". Thats BS. Do not go into any relationship with the wide eyed ideal of happily ever after and a perfect family. Kids are something that comes after a strong long lasting relationship. Not because of a spare of the moment quickie or because "I think I'm ready". Because if you can't see yourself with your partner "for the rest of my life", then you need to take into consideration what those kids will go through when you and your short term lover split up. Just because you get along now, doesn't mean you will in a year...or nine months.
As much as it may pain you, you both have a family, and just as you want your partner to at least respect your family, they deserve the same. Unless there is a mutual agreement on the subject of "your mom hates me", suck it up, take it with a grain of salt and be as respectful as possible. On the flip side, if your family is really that wicked and mean, and your partner is constantly bombarded with insults and snide comments, you need to make a decision of whether you are going to stand up for your lover, or if you're going to side with your family. This isn't about choosing sides, consider this. If you were in a serious relationship and your beaus family was constantly putting you down and it was affecting you deeply, how would you feel if your partner simply said "but they're my family"? Personally, I would feel like they were agreeing with their family. Always think about how YOU would feel if you were in their shoes.
Don't eyeball the opposite sex when you're out. It's just tacky. Unless you are both okay with mutual admiration, just stop. A relationship means your focus is soley on that person you agreed to be with. Porn shouldn't have a place in any relationship unless your partner is okay with it and don't just assume or just dictate that "its my right". Thats a cop out. Porn ruins relationships. Also, don't hold on to that old flame and mentally compare your new flame with the old one. Even if they never find out, it's just plain mean. You shouldn't want what you USED to have, you should be happy with what you DO have.
These are just some of the many things I learned through a process of elimination and heartbreak. There are many many more. I've taken away a newfound respect for myself from all of it. Respect for what alot of women go through. I realized that my body, was mine. That I shouldn't have to give it away just because I'm afraid if I don't, I'm going to lose the person I'm with. I've learned that, I deserve to be treated with respect, adored, and treated fairly. My opinions, are not laughable or should be pushed aside as fodder. I'm a human being, I bled, cry, and hurt just like any other woman of substance.
I've also learned that my beauty does not lie in the number on a scale. I am beautiful no matter what size I am. I shouldn't have to stress my weight and force myself to drop pounds just because there is that chance that the person I'm with might find someone more attractive. Beauty fades, real love, that's forever. If you can't see my beauty unless I'm a size small, then you don't deserve me because real beauty comes from who I am, my strength, my wit, my talent, my heart and soul. If you can't see that, then I am clearly wasting my time.
I learned that it is okay to say no. That I'm not being unreasonable when I stand up for what I believe in, or I stick to my principals, just as I have learned that I should never have to trade my beliefs, my principals and my faith for love. I am all for compromise, just not when that compromise equates to me living a lie and being miserable. I should feel free to be who I am and then improve upon that fact. Not pretend to be someone I'm not just so you will love me.
I refuse to compete for affections. If there is someone out there thats better for you, or there is some flame you can't let go, then please, spare me the shame and just walk away. I won't be a fool for anyone. I understand that relationships end, I'm okay with that, just be honest.
Sexual attraction, does not equal love, and no amount of sex acts will make someone love you. I learned that the hard way. Never again. I'm a human being, not a concubine.
Needless to say, the next episode of my love life will be better planned and more thought out. Because the self abuse just isn't worth it anymore.
"Maybe I can stand alone...maybe I'm strong as stone...."
XO
Saturday, May 08, 2010
I tried to stick to the plan....
...but I had to get rid of the weight on my fourth finger, left hand.
It's funny how you don't realize and notice things. Everybody knows that this past year has been hard for me. It'll be a year in a day or two since my husband walked away from our marriage. Depending on who you talk too, I'm either bitter, pathetically longing for his return, or a survivor. You are free to believe whichever suits your purpose.
A lot of changes came as a result of the dissolution of my three year marriage. Most of them positive really. I sit here at this lap top, listening to Brandi's Who I Am, and I am smiling. Nothing particular has happened today that would warrant a smile. Sure my watermelons sprouted and my sunflowers are growing like crazy. My morning glories finally broke through. Nothing of substance really. So why am I so perky?
I can breathe again. The truth be told, when he walked away, I was hurt. Confused. Angry. Bitter. Maybe I should still be? That seems to be the stigma that everybody around me has. But why? What purpose would it serve? What would I garner but headaches and a loss of sleep? What is there really to be angry about? The lies? Maybe. The deceptions? Maybe. There is a lot I could be bitter and angry about. But what good would it do? I've had a year to sit here and sort through the pieces, and despite it all, every little negative thing, the one thing it always comes down too, is we went in seperate directions.
We were two different people. In the end we were strangers that just happened to be married. When the bottom fell out, there was no passion left, no love, just animosity, stress and apathy. There truly was nothing left to save. How can I fault a man for wanting out of a dead end relationship? I mean, if I sat here and typed that I was totally blindsided, or that the thought of seperation never crossed my mind, I would be a bold faced liar. After all, nobody ever asked who initiated the seperation in the first place. It was me. Things were dissolving at a rapid pace and I was the one who suggested some time apart. While he was the one who made the decision to end the marriage, I was the one who put the offer on the table.
I knew when we drove away from the train station, it was over. There was no going back. One last kiss goodbye and when the morning came, I knew I had to start over. Yeah I tried, sure, to make it work, to work through the massive amount of issues, but eventually I realized, there was nothing left to save.
Through this year, it's been an uphill battle and it still isn't over. It probably won't be for a long while and I am okay with that. I found a strength in myself that I never knew I had. Where others would have laid down and died, I kept going. I'm a better woman for all of it now. All the years of people telling me I was strong and of sturdy stock, but I never gave it much thought, I didn't know what strength was. I know what it is now. I'm proud of myself. I am a woman of fierce courage, strong faith, and compassionate nature. I see myself in a new and refreshing light. I'm at peace.
This experience has made me who I am. Despite the hurt and the pain, I'm glad it happened. The circumstances could have been far worse. In the end, I'm ok. And I'm going to continue to be okay.
I wish him all the best in the world and hope he finds his place in this world.
I know I've found mine.
xo
It's funny how you don't realize and notice things. Everybody knows that this past year has been hard for me. It'll be a year in a day or two since my husband walked away from our marriage. Depending on who you talk too, I'm either bitter, pathetically longing for his return, or a survivor. You are free to believe whichever suits your purpose.
A lot of changes came as a result of the dissolution of my three year marriage. Most of them positive really. I sit here at this lap top, listening to Brandi's Who I Am, and I am smiling. Nothing particular has happened today that would warrant a smile. Sure my watermelons sprouted and my sunflowers are growing like crazy. My morning glories finally broke through. Nothing of substance really. So why am I so perky?
I can breathe again. The truth be told, when he walked away, I was hurt. Confused. Angry. Bitter. Maybe I should still be? That seems to be the stigma that everybody around me has. But why? What purpose would it serve? What would I garner but headaches and a loss of sleep? What is there really to be angry about? The lies? Maybe. The deceptions? Maybe. There is a lot I could be bitter and angry about. But what good would it do? I've had a year to sit here and sort through the pieces, and despite it all, every little negative thing, the one thing it always comes down too, is we went in seperate directions.
We were two different people. In the end we were strangers that just happened to be married. When the bottom fell out, there was no passion left, no love, just animosity, stress and apathy. There truly was nothing left to save. How can I fault a man for wanting out of a dead end relationship? I mean, if I sat here and typed that I was totally blindsided, or that the thought of seperation never crossed my mind, I would be a bold faced liar. After all, nobody ever asked who initiated the seperation in the first place. It was me. Things were dissolving at a rapid pace and I was the one who suggested some time apart. While he was the one who made the decision to end the marriage, I was the one who put the offer on the table.
I knew when we drove away from the train station, it was over. There was no going back. One last kiss goodbye and when the morning came, I knew I had to start over. Yeah I tried, sure, to make it work, to work through the massive amount of issues, but eventually I realized, there was nothing left to save.
Through this year, it's been an uphill battle and it still isn't over. It probably won't be for a long while and I am okay with that. I found a strength in myself that I never knew I had. Where others would have laid down and died, I kept going. I'm a better woman for all of it now. All the years of people telling me I was strong and of sturdy stock, but I never gave it much thought, I didn't know what strength was. I know what it is now. I'm proud of myself. I am a woman of fierce courage, strong faith, and compassionate nature. I see myself in a new and refreshing light. I'm at peace.
This experience has made me who I am. Despite the hurt and the pain, I'm glad it happened. The circumstances could have been far worse. In the end, I'm ok. And I'm going to continue to be okay.
I wish him all the best in the world and hope he finds his place in this world.
I know I've found mine.
xo
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