To be what is is to be what you are...

...and baby all I'm missin is a black guitar....

Cause I'm a rock star.....

So whats been going on?


I guess for me is that whole "going on with my life" thing which is actually going pretty good. This is my final semester for my AAS in CRJ. I go back in the fall for my Human Services and will have 3 semesters of that. You have no idea how good it feels to realize that I did it. I made it to the wire.

Depending on how I manage with math, I'll probably start shopping around for my special treat for myself. Gonna get my photos taken for grad. I may or may not throw a party. If I do I'll let you local folks know!

I have to meet with career services probably in March or April for job placement. Been reading up on resume creation. I'm looking to get into Juvenile Justice.

I'm taking corrections, drug & alcohol, Speech and business math this semester. My math class doesn't start till the 4th.

Things have been going pretty good. I feel like I'm in a better place mentally and emotionally. I feel a sense of clarity. I've spent the past week cleaning out the past. Blogs, journals, memories of the past. I start working out again now that we have the downstairs finished for the most part. I've been taking time to spend some time alone with myself. To be honest I think the worst is past.

I found a new church to attend. I have to wait till we can fill the tank up, which should be soon, but once I do I'll start attending. Been looking into starting a non-profit pet food pantry as well. Got the idea from an article I read. I guess I've just felt empowered lately. I don't doubt myself as much anymore. I feel a sense of freedom and love now that I haven't felt in a long time.

I guess a lot of it has to do with working my way back to God. I was forced to take a step back from my life and see the bigger picture and I didn't like what I saw. I wasn't proud of myself. I didn't like who I was. I've been through a lot in the past few years and in the end, it really was all avoidable. The malice and the hurt was all pointless and preventable. It's still going on, but it isn't from me. I'm above it now.

Lately I've been talking to a friend who knew me when I was at my worst, and something he said got the wheels in my mind turning. He called me a prude. Mainly because I wasn't putting my sexuality and my body out there for free anymore. Because I was looking for something deeper then sex and basic needs. I guess it irritates him because when we first met, I was hell on wheels and now, I'm just not. Of course the underlying truth is that he's just angry because now I'm single and hard as he tries he can't weasle his way back into my life. Hey I call it as I see it.

But why? Why should I put everything out there? Why would I want to keep trying a method that has failed for me so many times? Am I wrong? Am I wrong to want to have a relationship based on deeper dimensions? Am I wrong to not want to settle for whatever is available? Am I wrong to not want to be with someone who has to rely on vulgarities and has a smart mouth? Who thinks they know it all? Don't I deserve to have terms for my next relationship? I think I do.

Sex is good, but it doesn't last forever, beauty is nice, but unlike inner beauty it fades. Personality is okay, but people change and then what do you have? When all that is gone, what basis do you have? None. I'm done with circumstancial love. I'm ready to graduate to something more meaningful.

I'm not saying my past relationships weren't meaningful. They were, but they were all based on the wrong reasons. It's why they failed. I hear a lot of that "you're letting one man dictate your future". Do you know how annoying that is? I'm not letting anybody dictate anything. Just because I don't want to be with you doesn't mean that I'm holding what somebody else did as a precedent. And that is about the time I realize that you don't know me at all and I need to distance myself from you. And quite honestly I've been doing that alot lately. Distancing myself from people who I feel are negative influences. Maybe it means I have nobody left to talk to online, but I'm okay with that because I have books to read, hobbies to persue, and crime shows to watch.

I have gotten a lot of "but nobody deserves to be alone" lines, but in all honesty, I'd rather be alone then to go through perpetual failed relationships. When you weigh being alone to the frustraition that comes from serial dating, I'll take a pint of ben & jerrys and an old movie thank you very much. Eventually, someone is going to come along and they are going to be the person that I need and that's all that matters. I'm leaving it in God's hands. I'd rather wait for years for that perfect one, then drive myself crazy with a bunch of mistakes.


Meanwhile, I'm gonna chase my dreams, build my career, persue my hobbies, and enjoy life as best I can. You get out of life, exactly what you put into it. I'm putting my heart and soul in. This time it counts.